


Static

by Pattigreenbean



Category: Reylo - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Awkward First Times, Catholic Religion, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Dry Humping, Electric shock therapy, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fluffy sweet sexy times, Frottage, HEA, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Prescription Drug Abuse, Rey's parents are not good, Smut in the last chapter, Soulmates, Tears, This might hurt a little, Touching, age difference but not really, intercourse, mention of physical trauma, no real physical contact while underage, prosthetic, writer's goodbye kiss to religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27209131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattigreenbean/pseuds/Pattigreenbean
Summary: This is a ghost love story. What would you do for love?StaticAdjective  fixed or stationary, showing little change, lack of movement, development or vitality.Adjective  of or relating to bodies at rest or forces in equilibriumNoun  atmospheric electricity or interferenceSlang  trouble, difficult, angry or critical talk or behavior
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 125
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @fanficula for all her beta work and to @ceallaigh for being my sensitivity reader. I'm amazed by the generosity of this fandom and so very grateful of the friendships I've made.

Static. Chapter one

Rey awoke to the sound of her alarm screeching from her cell phone at 7 a.m. on the second Saturday of July. Summer vacation was over in a month, but she still had plenty of time to finish her reading list and make some money. This morning she had to water her neighbors’ garden while they were on vacation. She got up and after a quick trip to the bathroom, she was dressed and ready to go. Quietly, she ran down the stairs and through the kitchen to the back door with a book in her hand. The grass was wet with dew, so she carried her flip flops and walked barefoot to her neighbors’ backyard. Crouching down, she turned the spigot and watched the spray from the sprinkler set up in the middle of the vegetable garden, adjusting the flow of water until it was perfect. Then she sat on the neighbors’ back deck with her flip flops next to her, set a timer on her cell for thirty minutes, and opened her book. With the morning sun shining down on her, she enjoyed some quiet time to read. After two chapters, she shut the water off and began her return home. Coming to the front of the house, she noticed a line of parked cars and people coming and going from the house across the street. Looking more closely, she saw a sign that announced an estate sale. She didn't know the little old lady who had lived there, only that she had died at the beginning of the summer. Being curious, she stuck her flip flops back on, walked over, and entered the house.

At first she felt uncomfortable, watching all the people in the house looking and touching everything that her dead neighbor had owned. Then she overheard someone running the estate sale say that all of the proceeds were going to her late neighbor's favorite cause, MADD, or Moms Against Drunk Driving. Rey relaxed a bit and joined the herd to look at and touch everything. She went from room to room until she came to a bedroom and noticed a wooden box on the dresser. The box looked handmade and had a rusty old padlock on the front. Running her fingers over the top, she liked how smooth the wood felt. Rey picked up the box, feeling the weight of it and gently shook it. She could hear something and felt the weight shift in the box. 

An estate sale worker came up behind her and said, "I'm afraid we can't find the key for that."

"Oh, so you have no idea what's inside?" Rey asked.

"Nope, could be trash or treasure. Yours for only $10," the woman said with a smile. 

Rey held the box to her chest trying to decide if the mystery was worth $10. She looked at it from every side, and then put it down and pulled her cellphone from the pocket of her shorts. She carefully pried the protective cover off her phone, pulled her emergency twenty dollar bill out, and handed it to the woman. 

Rey went home carrying the box under her arm with her book stuffed in her back pocket. Once back in the kitchen, she made a pot of coffee as quietly as she could. It was 8:15, and her parents were still in bed sleeping. While she waited for the coffee to brew, she loaded and started the dishwasher and swept the kitchen floor. After she fixed herself a cup of coffee, she carried it and the box upstairs to her bedroom.

It was going to be a hot day, and her room was stuffy even with both windows open and her ceiling fan whirring. She put her coffee down on her dresser and looked again at the lock on the box, trying to figure out the best way to open it without causing any damage. She put it down on her bed and went to her bathroom, rummaging through her drawer of hair ties and came back with a bobby pin. Sticking the end into the lock she fiddled with it while laughing to herself--it always looks so easy in the movies. After struggling for ten minutes, she heard the click of the lock giving up and it opened. With her hands covered in rust, she put the old lock on her dresser and took a sip of her coffee, thinking about Schrodinger's cat. If she didn't open the box, she would miss out on all the wonderful mysteries of the universe it contained. But if opened, what she found could disappoint her. Maybe the unknown is better, she pondered while drinking her coffee.

After she wiped her hands on her denim shorts, she picked up the box again and tilted it in an attempt to hear what was inside. Rey sat on her bed, ran her fingers over the top, and then slowly lifted the hinged lid. Her look of anticipation fell as she pulled an old Boston Red Socks baseball cap out of the box. Under the cap was a signed baseball, two stacks of baseball cards, and a black leather journal. She laid everything out on her bed, being very careful with the cards since the rubber bands around them were disintegrating into a rubbery mess. Curiosity killed the cat, she said to herself as she put the cap on her head and pulled her ponytail through the space on the back. As she wasn’t a sports fan, Rey didn't recognize any of the names signed on the baseball as she inspected it. Next she picked up the journal and gave it a closer look. The leather was supple, and it smelled of the cedar box. Rey opened it and read the cover page: Property of Ben Solo, PRIVATE, Do Not Read. Smiling, she turned the page. Just then a gust of wind came through her window, disturbing her curtains and blowing the cap off her head. Then it abruptly stopped, and she heard someone downstairs in the kitchen. She put everything back in the box, grabbed her coffee cup, and went downstairs. 

"Morning Dad," Rey said as she refilled her cup. Her father was sitting at the kitchen table, looking tired as he drank his cup of coffee.

"Good morning. What's your plan for today?" he asked groggily.

"Well, I already watered the Ryans’ garden, and tonight I'm babysitting for the Greenbergs. I have reading to do for school, and I'm going to do the laundry," 

"Sounds like a full day," her dad replied.

"Yup, how about you?" 

"I don't have any plans other than to go to the grocery store later," he said, and then drank the rest of his coffee. Rey sat with him for a while, drinking her coffee and wishing he had more to say to her.

"There is an estate sale going on across the street. Did you know the old lady who lived there?" she asked.

"No. I didn't," he said. 

Rey finished her coffee and then got up to put her cup in the sink.

"I'm going to go do the laundry now," she said as she left the room.

Her dad gave her a nod with a small smile. She ran upstairs and grabbed all her dirty laundry and the journal and then went to the basement. The space was unfinished and full of stuff that had nowhere else to go, but ever since Rey had taken over the job of doing the laundry, she had made herself a cozy reading spot. She put all her clothes into the washer, started it, and then sat down in the old high-backed chair that had stuffing escaping in places, putting her feet up on a plastic cooler. She opened the journal and began to read.

May 5, 1958  
I won the game tonight. I hit two home runs. It was amazing. The crowd cheered, and all the guys picked me up and were shouting my name. I wish Mom and Dad had been there to see it. Even the coach noticed they weren't there. It was embarrassing and then mom was 20 minutes late picking me up after the game. I can't wait until I can drive, and I don't have to wait around like an idiot for someone to remember to pick me up. I wonder why they even had me. They argue all the time about the stupidest stuff when Dad's home. Then when he's away on business, Mom complains that she misses him. I don't understand them at all. At least Mom felt bad for being late to get me and took me out for a burger and milkshake. If only she would talk about something other than my grades. I swear I'm doing the best I can. I have two A's, two B's and a C+ in calculus. I hate math! 

Rey was thoroughly enjoying her reading when the bare light bulb above her went out. "Shoot," she said as she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and turned on the flashlight. She went upstairs, grabbed a new light bulb, and walked back down to the basement to change it. When she got to the bottom of the stairs, a trickle of sweat ran down the side of her face and a shiver ran up her spine. She noticed that the dark basement had become cooler as she used her phone to light her way. The familiar room now covered in strange shadows was eerie, but she managed to change the light bulb by standing on the plastic cooler. Once the new light bulb flicked on, her feelings for the basement returned to normal, and she was able to do all the laundry while reading a month's worth of journal entries. As she read, she often smiled at the boy's musings about his family and friends. 

She put the journal away and distributed all the clean, folded laundry into their baskets, being careful to not wake up her mother. Rey read two more chapters of her summer reading and then got ready for her babysitting job.Taking the journal with her, she walked four houses down to the Greenbergs’ house. She loved babysitting for the two girls and enjoyed being in their home. The curtains were always open in their light, contemporary living room. The television was in the den on the bottom floor of the split level next to sliding doors that opened to the backyard. The den, where she spent most of the time watching the girls, was a relaxing mix of comfy furniture and strewn toys. After playing with them and reading two books before bed, she tucked them in and said good night. Rey made herself comfortable on the couch and opened Ben's journal.

Sept 7, 1958  
It's my last year of high school, and I still haven't been on a date. All 33 girls in my class hate me. Actually, all the junior class girls hate me too. It's my own fault. I don't know how to talk to them. Last night I went to Poe's party and humiliated myself by basically standing in the corner and not talking to anyone. After thirty minutes I walked home. I hate Poe. It's so easy for him. He talks and flirts and everyone around him laughs and soaks it in. Today I heard that I left before things got good. Poe's older brother brought beer and his record collection. Matt said everyone was dancing and had a great time even though there was only enough beer for everyone to have just one. I'm not sure if it would have been better or worse if I had stayed. I don't know how to dance and one beer isn't enough to loosen me up. 

The wind had picked up, causing a branch to scrape along the side of the house, which made Rey look up from her reading. From the corner of her eye, she saw something move outside the glass sliding door. For a brief moment, she thought it was a man, startling her enough to give the movement her full attention. But when she looked closer, there was nothing there. Soon after, she heard the sound of the front door opening and Mr. and Mrs. Greenbergs’ laughter. Her fear forgotten, she went to the door to meet them. 

With thirty dollars in her pocket, she walked home using the flashlight from her phone to guide her way. The wind again began to twirl around her, throwing grass clippings into her hair and face. The annoyance caused her to sprint the rest of the way home. Her house was quiet except for the sound of the television from behind her parents’ closed bedroom door. She went to her room, flicked on the light, closed her door, and flopped on her bed. Little pieces of grass fell out of her hair, causing her to think about the strange whirlwind she had run through. She pulled her phone from her pocket and tapped to view her weather app, where she found no mention of ominous wind gusts. Strange, she thought, pushing herself off the bed to stand up. Pulling her arms into her t-shirt, she unfastened her bra, took it off, and then put her arms back through her shirt sleeves. Next, she unbuttoned her shorts and let them fall to the floor. Then she got into bed, pulling the old patchwork quilt her grandmother had made over herself. Feeling comfortable but not yet sleepy, she reached over to her dresser and grabbed the journal. She had only been reading it for one day, but she loved the way it felt in her hand, the smell of the leather and cedar, and the honesty of the boy's writing. Part of her wanted to read it slower, to make it last, but a part of her was itching to read every word as fast as she could. She wanted to know him. 

Sept 25, 1958  
Sitting behind Sally is torture. She flipped her hair a dozen times, and each time I could smell her perfume, and her hair looked so soft. How does she make it curl up at the ends? She had one blond hair stuck to the back of her sweater and I want to reach out and pull it off. I wanted to see what her sweater felt like and keep that one hair, but I didn't. She probably would have thought I was a creep. 

Just as the entry was getting really interesting Rey's curtains began to ruffle, then the wind howled, shaking the curtains so hard that she was afraid they would fall off their hooks. She put the journal down, got up to close the window, and then turned to get back in bed. For a second, she thought the wind had blown a gust of fog into her room and filled it with the smell of ozone. She watched as the fog rolled around and clumped together into an image that began to take form in front of her as her hair began to lift with static electricity. It was a tall multitude of grays moving and swirling, and then all the pieces came together to form the image of a person. A tall boy. Like an old black and white photograph except for his eyes. His deep brown angry eyes were staring right at her.


	2. Chapter 2

Static chapter 2

All the fine hairs on Rey's body stood straight, causing a tingling sensation all over as if in warning. Adrenaline began to surge through her blood stream, preparing her to fight or run, while her comprehension tried to catch up. Wide-eyed, she stared back at the vision in front of her. She watched his lips begin to move as he talked to her.

"That journal belongs to me. You have no right to read it,” he said, his voice vibrating deep with anger and echoing like it came through a tunnel.

"Who are you? What are you?" Rey whispered while her feet backed up, bumping into her bed. She watched his expressive eyes go from rage to sorrow, his lips closed into a frown. 

"I'm nothing. Not anymore," he whispered back.

Rey took a small step closer in realization, "You're Ben. Ben Solo."

"I was, a long time ago," he said looking at the floor, and then his eyes snapped up to hers. "You can see me. How is that possible?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied, watching him as he tried to solve the puzzle.

"No one has ever seen me before. Why you?"

"Are you a ghost?"

"I don't know what I am. I think I died, but then a part of me just stuck around," he said looking her in the eyes. "You're not afraid of me," he stated with an air of surprise.

"No. I mean I was at first, but I'm not anymore," she said with a small smile.

"Why?" he questioned.

"Well, I don't think you can hurt me," Rey said. Then she tentatively reached out her hand and ran it through the mist that was his chest. She watched it swirl and break apart like smoke and then come back together to form the vision of his body. 

"But, I'm dead. I'm a dead person in your room," he said seriously.

Rey smiled, "You're like a miracle. You prove that we are more than just flesh and blood. You prove that we have a soul." 

He stared at her and said, "You're weird. You are a very strange girl."

Rey laughed, "You're probably right. Hey, was that you trying to scare me earlier?" she asked.

He looked away from her face and nodded, "I wasn't very good at it."

"I was afraid, a little," she said, noticing he was embarrassed. "Um, if you don't want me to read your journal, I won't any more."

"Really? There's not anything I can do to stop you that I haven't already tried...I don't think," he said with a smirk.

"Well, if it bothers you then I won't do it." 

"It's not very interesting. I never got to do anything with my life."

"That's not true. It is interesting, I mean, it is to me. Did you get your driver's license?"

With a big smile, he nodded, "Yeah, I did."

"Did you get accepted into college?"

"Yes, but I died before I could go," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry. How did it happen?" she said as she sat down on her bed.

"I don't know. I don't remember some things."

"If I stop reading your journal, will you go away?" she asked softly, watching as emotion flooded his eyes.

"I'll just go and stop bothering you," his voice echoed with pain.

"No! Don't go. I mean, I don't mind if you haunt me. You're not bothering me. Maybe we could be friends?"

"I was never very good at having friends, and I'm sure I'm even worse at it now," he said sadly as he began to fade out to nothing. 

Rey was overwhelmed with emotion, realizing that tears were running slowly down her face. She felt remorseful about the boy and all that he had been through. Would she ever see him again? She recognized then that she wanted to. That this was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her. She now had a grand secret, something just for her, a real treasure. Rey eventually turned off her light and fell asleep clutching the journal.

She woke up to her alarm at 7 a.m., did her morning routine, and watered the neighbors’ garden. Once home, she took a shower, changed into her modest black skirt and white blouse, and drove herself to church. Rey had been raised Catholic and had memories of going to church as a family with her mom and dad but, after her mom's stay to the psychiatric hospital, they began just dropping her off. That was when she was about nine, and she was now used to going alone. Her mom would sometimes ask her to say a prayer for her. Rey always did. She loved the old church, the way it smelled of incense and candles, the way the light filtered through the stained glass windows, and the music and the organized peacefulness. But now, with the secret knowledge that she did indeed have a soul, she prayed with her whole heart for her family, for her community, for herself, and for the boy who was somehow lost. Why was he still here and not in heaven? Surely God had not forgotten him. 

Home again, she changed her clothes and went downstairs. In the living room, dark with the curtains closed, she found her mom sleeping on the couch in front of the blathering television. Rey collected all the glasses, cups, and other dishes that were scattered on the coffee table and brought them to the kitchen. She emptied and loaded the dishwasher, washed everything in the sink, and then took out the garbage. Outside, she noticed it was time to cut the grass, so she put her ear buds in, opened her music app, dragged the mower out from the shed, and began the job. Forty minutes later, the job was done. She put the mower away and wiped the sweat from her forehead. Back in the kitchen she made herself a ham and cheese sandwich and took it and a can of coke up to her room. She sat at her little desk, opened her laptop, and took a bite of her sandwich. She had so many questions and decided to start at Ben's death. It took her only a few minutes to find an article with a brief mention of him. It was an interview of his mother from fifteen years ago where she discussed her various charitable organizations to which she contributed. Her favorite one was MADD and mentioned it was dear to her heart because she had lost both her husband and her only child to a horrific car accident. They had been hit by a drunk driver. Rey put her sandwich down, too sad to take another bite. The little hairs on Rey's arms and neck began to raise.

"What are you doing? What is that thing?" she heard him whisper in her ear, causing her to jump in her chair. Ben chuckled, "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you this time."

Rey looked around her room, the sunlight filling every space, but he was nowhere to be seen. "Thanks," she gasped with her hand over her heart. "I can't see you," she said. She watched in amazement as ever so slowly his image formed next to her. She closed the site she had been looking at.

"Is this better?"

"Yes."

"What's that?" he said as he pointed one long finger to her laptop.

"Oh, it's my laptop. It's a computer," she said, thinking that there was a lot he probably didn't know about. 

"Like a calculator?" he asked.

"It's more than that. It has a calculator function, but a lot of other things too. It's connected to the internet, so it can basically show me anything I want to see,."

"The internet," he repeated.

"Yes, it's like connecting to millions of computers all over the world," she explained.

"Wow, that sounds amazing."

"It is but there's lots of junk out there too."

"Junk?"

"Yeah, like advertising, scams, and porn. You have to be careful not to give out your personal information, because there are always predators looking to take advantage of you." 

He looked worried, "So what do you use it for if it's so dangerous?"

"It's only dangerous if you aren't careful, and I use it mostly for homework. I can do research, presentations, submit assignments, email my teachers, and stuff like that."

"I don't understand anything you just said."

Rey laughed, "That's okay. I can teach you if you want," she looked at him with hope.

"Okay, but I'm not sure how useful it will be to a ghost," he smirked.

Downstairs she heard her dad coming through the kitchen door, and then he shouted, "Rey, can you help me with the groceries?"

"I'll be right back," she said to Ben, and then ran down to the kitchen to help her dad. 

Rey went to her dad's car and brought the rest of the groceries into the kitchen. There she found her mom looking through the bags until she found what she wanted: a pint of chocolate ice cream. With a spoon in her hand, she took the ice cream back to the couch, leaving Rey to put the groceries away. Dad sat at the table writing in his budget planning book. 

"Thanks for mowing the lawn, Rey. You're a good kid," Dad said, looking up from his book.

Rey beamed a smile at him, "You're welcome. Thanks for buying my favorite cereal," she said, holding the box with the cartoon captain on the front. Dad smiled back at her and nodded. She finished putting everything away and went back to her room.

She was disappointed to find her room empty, so she went back to her desk to search for more information about her new friend. She found a news article about his accident and then the obituary. It was so incredibly moving that she didn't realize she was weeping until she heard him speak.

"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Rey wiped her face as she tried to think of the best way of telling him what she had found out. "I know how you died. I just read a news article about it and your obituary."

"Oh," he said looking at the floor.

"It was a terrible car accident. Your car was hit by a drunk driver. The man ran through a red light and crashed into your car. He died too," Rey said.

Ben stared at her intensely, "Really? It wasn't my fault?"

"What? No. The guy was very intoxicated. It was completely his fault. Why would you think that?"

"My dad and I were arguing in the car. I was yelling at him, and then we were hit. I thought I had distracted him. That it was all my fault. That I had killed my dad," Ben said with anguish. "I need to go think," he said as he faded away until there was nothing left of him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's a really live wire.
> 
> He's the best of his kind.
> 
> Wait til you see those eyes.
> 
> Are you here?
> 
> Corinne Bailey Rae

Static chapter 3

For the next two weeks, Rey wondered if she had imagined the gray mist with deep brown eyes. Where did he go? The more she thought about it, the more pissed she became. How dare he come into her life, causing her to have so many questions and then just leave. What a jerk. Then she read more of his journal and remembered what she liked about him. He was like her in many ways. She missed him or maybe just the feeling that she was special because she could see him. 

Rey stood by her window, looking out to the next door neighbors’ yard, watching her ex-best friend laying by the pool with all of her new besties. Kay had been her best friend since kindergarten, but sophomore year she asked Rey to steal some of her mom's drugs to take to a party. Rey flat out refused. That had been an excruciating ordeal. Kay spread rumours about her and ended their friendship. Rey spent that whole school year on the outskirts of all her friendships, not knowing who she could trust and keeping mostly to herself. Her closest friend now was Rose, but she was still in the Philippines visiting her grandparents. Maybe this was another reason she missed him. She was just lonely, and the sounds of the girls next door having fun were irritating. 

Rey decided to leave her depressing house and go for a walk in the woods behind her house since her chores were done and her mom was sleeping. She had to carefully trail her way down a steep slope, holding onto trees as she went to the brook. At the water's edge, she hopped on rocks to cross to the other side, where there was a flat grassy patch to stretch out on. Laying down, she looked up at the sky to see shapes in the clouds. She felt her skin turning to goosebumps and sat up quickly.

"Ben?" she whispered.

"Hi," he said, materializing and sitting next to her.

"Where have you been?" she asked angrily, squinting at his deep brown eyes.

"I...nowhere really. I was just gone a bit to think," he said.

"That was days ago. You've been gone for two weeks," she said, still bitter.

"Wow, it didn't feel that long. Are you mad with me?"

"Yes. Friends don't just take off for two weeks and not say anything. I thought I would never see you again. I thought I had made you up in my head." 

"I'm sorry. Time is different when you're dead. I really didn't think I was gone that long. I won't do it again," he said earnestly.

"Well, okay, don't," she said.

"This place is nice." 

"Yeah, I like it. It's a good place to escape to."

"Escape?"

"Yeah, you know, to get away from parents."

"Ah, yes. What's wrong with your mom?" he asked bluntly.

Rey winced.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to talk about it. Sorry, I'm not really good at this. I always say the wrong thing," he said looking miserable.

"It's fine. I don't mind you asking. She's messed up. She was always kind of fragile, physically. When I was little she broke her arm and was given narcotics for the pain, and she never went off them. She kept complaining of pain in various places so doctors kept prescribing them. Then her mom died, she had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized for a month. She had taken an overdose of her painkillers. I was five when it happened," Rey said as her hands played with the grass.

"That's why you do all the work around the house," Ben stated.

"Yup, pretty much. I got told that I had to be a good girl and help my mom with everything so she won't be depressed. To be honest, it fucking sucks so much. Sometimes I want to scream. I feel like I'm missing out on normal kid stuff, you know, like sleepovers, trips to the mall, pool parties, having a mom who is actually present. I just can't wait to go off to college and start my life." 

"I remember feeling that way too about college," he said. "My mom was always busy with one of her charities to notice me when I was alive."

Rey listened intently and said, "She didn't feel you still around after you died?"

"No and I hid from her. I heard her tell someone right after it happened that she was grateful that my dad had me with him in heaven. That we weren't alone. I didn't want to take that from her," he said softly. 

"Oh, I understand," she said rubbing the goosebumps on her arms. 

Ben looked at her questioningly, "Are you cold?"

Rey gave a small laugh, "No. It's you. You give me goosebumps whenever you're near," she said holding her arms out for him to see. 

"Huh, that's weird. I wonder why."

"I don't affect you at all?" Rey asked.

"Well, no, I don't think so. But, you know, I'm dead."

"What can you do? Can you walk through walls? Have you seen other ghosts? Can you fly?"

Ben laughed at her excitement, "I don't know if I should give away all of my secrets," he teasingly. 

"Oh, come on. I'm your only friend. You can confide in me. I swear I won't tell anyone. Who'd believe me anyways?"

"Okay, I don't walk through walls. I think about an object or person and then I am just next to them, like instantaneously. So, I don't fly. I just go from one place to the next in my thoughts. I haven't seen anyone like me." 

"Huh, I wonder why you're still here."

"Me too. I thought I was stuck here to watch over my mom. When she died and I was still here, I was pretty upset about it,"

"I would be too if I were you."

"It's not so bad now, though," Ben said with a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spitting in a wishing well
> 
> Crash
> 
> I'm the last splash
> 
> Will you be cuckoo cannonball
> 
> Will you be cuckoo cannonball
> 
> The Breeders

Static chapter 4

The rest of Rey's summer vacation was spent getting to know Ben. She taught him all about the internet and looked up every Boston Red Socks and Elvis Presley question he had. He taught her how to play chess and when a player should steal second base. She finished all her summer reading and had managed to save up enough money to buy herself new school clothes. Rey and Ben developed a secret way to talk to each other when others were around. She would just type a message on her cell and he would whisper in her ear. 

So when she got into her car for her first day as a senior, she wasn't surprised that Ben was in the car ready to go. They pulled into the parking lot behind a long row of cars, and Ben whispered, "Wow, it's huge now. When I went here it was just that middle section of the building. It's like ten times as big now."

"My graduating class is 1688 students," Rey told him. 

"That's a lot. My class had like 65 students. You can't possibly know everyone, can you?" he asked her with a touch of anxiety in his eyes.

"I don't know everyone. But I probably could pick them out in a line up," she said with a grin.

Her first day back was good. She had two classes with Rose, and they shared the same lunch period. Rose told her all about her vacation, which sounded amazing except for the street food, which she described in gory details. Rey decided balut was not for her. Ben was quiet most of the day. Once in the car, he said, "I had forgotten how stressful school was."

"Yeah, it really is. I have about an hour of homework to do. The house is probably a mess too."

"What happens when you go off to college, and you're not around to do everything?"

"I try to not think about it. Once I get to college I'm on my own and so are they."

"Good, you deserve that.You really do," he said seriously.

The first few weeks of school went as to be expected. They were relieved to find that Rose could not see or hear Ben. Rey did wonder why she was the only one who could see him. Was she special or was there something wrong with her? As she got to know him more, she cared less, because it didn't really matter. He was her best friend. She would put her television on any sports game that was playing while she did her homework. His snide comments about this player or that announcer would make her laugh. They would talk about her school work, and he sometimes helped her with her writing but never with calculus.

The season changed to autumn, and the school was having a Halloween dance in a few weeks. Rose had been asked by Finn and then began a campaign to find a date for Rey, much to her dismay. Ben thought it was funny and encouraged her to go and have a good time with her friends. 

"Listen to me. You don't know the guys I go to school with like I do," she told him. They had just finished watching a movie, and Rey was tired and ready to go to sleep.

"How bad can it be?" he asked.

"Well first of all, nobody wants to go with me, and second of all, if someone did they would expect a hook-up," she explained.

"What's a hook-up?" he asked, still learning the slang of the day.

"Sex," she said and then yawned.

Ben laughed, "Rey, I know guys can be awful but they don't expect sex on the first date." 

"A lot has changed since you went to high school. Women burned their bras, demanded equality, and there was a sexual revolution and stuff," she said gesturing in the air. 

Ben looked appalled. "Have you been on dates like that before?" 

"Me? No. I've just heard all about it," she said, sinking down into her bed and pulling her covers up.

"So, It's hearsay. It could be all made up. You know, guys just trying to be cool or whatever."

"It's not. Trust me. I heard it from girls."

Ben looked shocked, "Girls talk about hooking up on the first date?"

Rey laughed, "Yes, now shut up. I need to go to sleep," she said as she reached up to turn off the light. "Good night Ben."

"Good night Rey," he said as he faded away.

The next day in the school cafeteria, Rose was picking out boys and asking Rey what she thought of them while she tried to eat her lunch. 

She pointed to a football player and said, "How about Poe? He's good looking, and Finn is buddies with him. We could double date."

Rey rolled her eyes, "A football jock, really? We have one class together, and it's public speaking. He probably doesn't even know my name." 

"Poe? I went to school with a guy named Poe. What's his last name?" Ben asked in her ear.

"Rey, I think you're just scared," Rose said, giving her the side eye.

"Poe Dameron has been with almost every girl in our class and a couple of the guys too," Rey said as the hairs on her arms began to stand up. 

"What?” Ben said in her ear. She typed on her cell, 'I will explain later.'

"I dare you to just go over and say hi to him," Rose said.

Rey never stood down from a dare. "Fine," she said as she grabbed her trash, stood up, and walked away. She could feel Ben right beside her. She casually walked up to Poe and said, "Hi Poe, I liked your speech yesterday. It was very informative," she said with a smile. 

"Oh, yeah. Thanks. I can tell you anything you want to know about football," he said with a wink. 

She smiled back, continued walking to the trash bin, and threw her brown paper bag in it. Just as she turned around, a huge gust of wind swirled around Poe's table, picking up all the guys’ lunches and whipping the contents all over them. Sports drinks, bologna, peanut butter and jelly, pizza, chocolate pudding, everything went all over the six football players who were now swearing profusely. Other students were moving away from the disaster, and everyone was laughing at the jocks who just stood there dripping in lunchroom slop. Rey put her hand over her mouth to hide her laugh.

"Ben, what have you done?" she whispered.

"He had it coming. They all did. You didn't hear what he said about you after you left his table. You cannot go out with him," Ben said, still seething.

Rey typed into her cell, “So I was right then."

"Yes, none of them are good enough for you, especially Dameron."

Rey went back to sit next to Rose and watched as a teacher brought out brooms and mops and made the football players clean up their mess. 

"What the hell just happened?" Rose exclaimed. "That was crazy. Were they fighting over you?" 

Rey laughed, "Hardly. I don't know what caused them to make such a mess," she could hear Ben chuckling in her ear. He wouldn't tell her what they had said that had made him so angry, but he never pushed her to go on a date with someone again.


	5. Chapter 5

Static chapter 5

On Halloween, Rey made herself a ghost costume from an old sheet and sat on the front step to hand out candy. Ben was not amused by her costume but sat with her anyway. He did enjoy seeing the kids dressed up, and Rey was able to explain the costumes he didn't recognize. Later that night, they sat on her bed with their backs against the headboard and watched Psycho. 

"Rey."

"What?"

"I'm glad you bought my stupid box," Ben whispered.

"Yeah, me too," she smiled at him. "It's nice having someone to hang out with like this."

"Before I met you, I just sat by myself. It was like I was only half aware of what was going on. My mom kept changing and doing new things, and I couldn't keep up. I didn't want to, but now I do. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I totally understand. You're not alone any more." 

"Neither are you," he whispered back.

Thanksgiving was a welcome break from school, and Rey and her dad cooked a traditional meal together followed by a store bought pumpkin pie. They all ate at the dining room table with the television off. For a few moments, it felt like they were a normal family. It was nice, but it also made Rey nervous, like she was just waiting for something bad to happen. They ate,commented on their favorite dishes, and complimented the chefs. 

"So, Rey, when do you start applying to colleges?" Dad asked.

"I already have. I sent out three applications last week, and I have two more going out next week probably," she replied between mouthfuls.

"I didn't realize you were so eager to run off to college," her mom said.

"We've talked about it before, Mom. You know I want to go to college. This is the time that seniors apply." 

"Well I hope you don't have your sights set on an expensive school or an out-of-state school. I'm not sure how much money your father can give you."

"All of the colleges are in-state, and I can get financial aid and take out student loans so you don't have to worry about it," Rey said.

Rey watched her mom's face become angry, "You are still my daughter, and I do worry about it. Don't think I don't know what's going on, because I do. I see you. I know something is up." 

Surprised, Rey said, "I don't know what you are talking about, Mom."

"You moped around for two years after Kay didn't want to be your friend anymore, and now you are all smiles all the time. It's a boy isn't it? Who is he? You better not be screwing around, Rey. I won't let my daughter be a slut."

"Maggie, that's enough!" her dad shouted.

Rey sat there red in the face with tears rolling down her cheeks, "I'm not hungry. May I be excused please?" she said as she looked at her dad. 

Her mother poured herself another glass of wine, "Fine. Go hide in your room. You've had enough to eat anyways. Only nasty boys will want you if you get fat." 

Rey pushed herself away from the table and looked one last time at her dad.

"I'm sorry Rey. Your mother is in a bad mood tonight," he said.

Rey ran upstairs to her room, listening to them throwing words at each other. She put on her television to block them out, laid on her bed and cried quietly. Ben appeared and sat on her bed next to her. Then he laid down so they were face to face. She felt goosebumps on her face as he tried to wipe her tears unsuccessfully.

"She's wrong. Everything she said was wrong. You know that, right?" he whispered to her.

"Why does she hate me? I try so hard to be good. I do everything," Rey said in between sobs.

"You are good. You do everything they ask. I think she's just very sick. I wish I could hug you," he said longingly.

Rey adjusted one of her pillows so it lined up with his body, and then she hugged it. She could feel goosebumps running up and down her back where his ghostly hand was trying to sooth her. She fell asleep in his arms listening to the movie Love Actually playing in the background. Rey was surprised when she woke up he was still there holding her. 

"You're still here," she whispered.

"Of course I am. My best friend needed me," he said with a smirk. 

Rey survived the rest of Thanksgiving break without incident, but she was walking on eggshells trying to avoid her mother's wrath. On that Sunday, it snowed. After church, Rey shoveled the driveway and sidewalk and brushed off the cars. 

"Let's go sledding," Ben said as she put the shovel away.

"Sledding? What are you 5?" she said with a smirk.

"We haven't done anything fun in a long time. I don't remember the last time I went sledding. I regret not doing a lot of things when I had the chance."

"Okay, but I need to warm up first and put dry socks on." 

A few hours later, Rey told her dad she had to go to the library, and then she grabbed her old sled from the shed and put it in her car. She drove to the town golf course and parked. It was 4:30 and it was starting to get dark as they walked to the tallest hill. There were lots of sled tracks and a couple of families still sledding. Rey positioned the long sled and sat towards the front half, leaving room for Ben. She felt the signs of him sitting up against her back, by the outsides of her legs and around her middle. She inched them forward, and off they went down the hill, snow spraying up into her face and Ben yahooing in her ear. She giggled all the way down. It was wonderful.

"Come on let's go again," he said excitedly.

Rey laughed, "Do you know how old you would be if you were still alive?" 

"I'm eighteen. I'm always going to be eighteen, Rey," he said sadly.

"Come on let's go again," she said, and his smile came back.

When she returned home, her parents were already watching television in bed, so Rey went up to her room and decided to take a bath to warm her bones. She put her television on for Ben to watch. With the tub full of steamy bubbles, she relaxed and thought about Ben. What would it be like if he was alive. If he could actually hold her, touch her, kiss her. She stopped herself. It was no good to wish for things she couldn't have. She returned to her room in fresh pj pants and a long sleeved t-shirt ready for bed. Ben was sitting on the side of the bed watching a football game. Rey turned off the light, got into bed, adjusted one of her pillows vertically, and then she laid down beside it. Ben stood up like he was going to leave but then noticed the pillow.

"You want me to stay?" he asked.

Rey nodded, "Yes."

Ben laid down, his ghostly form going through the pillow. Rey pulled the blankets up and cuddled both the pillow and Ben. She could feel the goosebumps all over her skin and static in her hair.

"The goosebumps don't bother you?" he asked.

"No. I like it," she whispered.

"You’re strange," he chuckled.

"Yeah, but you like it." 

"I do. I really like you." 

She squeezed her pillow, "I really like you too."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning***  
> Mentions of vomiting, drug abuse, masturbation

Static chapter 6

The next four weeks of school were uneventful. Rey maintained her good grades, kept up with the laundry and other chores, and her mom seemed nicer. She had brought all the decorations from the basement and tried to spread Christmas spirit throughout the house. She set up the artificial tree in the living room, brightening the space. Rey was excited for Christmas but at a loss as to what she could possibly give to Ben. Three days before Christmas, Rey's mom became sick. She told Rey that she thought it was the flu. Rey could hear her mom vomiting and moaning. She looked horrible, so Rey tried to make her feel better by making her chicken soup. 

Her dad saw her getting ready to open the can and said, "Rey, that's not going to help her. She doesn't have the flu."

"But she's so sick. She needs to eat something, and this is supposed to be good for sore throats," she explained. Her dad looked sad as he took the can from her.

"She's out of her painkillers. She's going through withdrawal right now," he said with a pained expression.

"Well, can you go to the pharmacy and get her what she needs?"

"No. Not until December 30. She took more than she should have all month, and she's run out. It's her fault Rey. She does this almost every month and hides it from you," her dad said curtly.

"Oh. I just thought she had a weak immune system and got viruses often. That explains a lot actually. I'm sorry Dad."

Dad nodded, "It's nothing you did. Your mom is just very sensitive. She feels things very deeply and has difficulty dealing with it. The drugs seemed to help at first, but now I just don't know." 

On Christmas Eve, Rey's mom couldn't take the withdrawals any more and begged her dad to take her to the emergency room with a complaint of a toothache. Her mom had flossed around one molar until it became puffy and red, making her complaint look legitimate. Rey went to midnight mass by herself like usual and prayed for her family. When she got home, the house was empty and quiet, but Ben was in her room when she opened the door. 

"Merry Christmas," he said softly. 

"Merry Christmas, Ben. I'm super tired from today, so I'm just going to go sleep now," she said with exhaustion.

"Ah, right, of course. I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night," his last word faded as his image did. 

Rey was grateful to be alone. She hadn't been alone in a very long time since she met Ben. So many thoughts were in her head. She was angry at her mother, sad for herself and her father, and confused about her place in everything. She quickly changed into her pjs and climbed into bed where she tossed and turned for an hour. Her parents were still at the hospital, and only God knew when they would get home. They will probably sleep all day tomorrow. There goes Christmas, she thought. She missed having Ben next to her, but she really didn't want to talk. She rolled from her side to her back, causing her bottoms to twist uncomfortably. Her hand automatically moved to the waistband to pull it right. She paused, then sat up, searched her room, and laid back down. Her hand slowly eased under her pajamas and gently smoothed over her pubic hair. It had been such a long time since she had touched herself that it felt decadent. She was so sensitive that every movement of her fingers sent a zing through her body. She imagined Ben kissing her, touching her, saying sweet things to her. Her breathing increased, the pace of her finger circling around her clit increased, she held her breath tensing all her muscles, and came with a soft whimper. She decided not to examine what she had just done and instead rolled over and finally fell asleep.

Rey woke up Christmas morning to a quiet house. She got up and looked out her window, spotting her dad's car in the driveway. They were home. She climbed back into bed and pulled her covers over her head. Then she felt him and opened her eyes to see his hand had gone through the blanket, and he was rubbing her face. She giggled. 

"Hey, get up. It's Christmas, and I have something for you," he said.

She sat up. "What? How can you possibly have something for me?" she said quietly.

"Well it's not really a present. Just something I've been working on. Practicing really," he said shyly.

"Oh? Show me," she said.

Ben walked over to the television, knelt down in front of it, put his pointer finger on the power button and disappeared. Then the television went on, and he reappeared. Rey's eyes and mouth opened wide in surprise.

"Wow, that's amazing. Now you can watch tv whenever you want to." 

Ben walked over to her and sat in the bed facing her. For a moment, he looked afraid and then he said, "Hold out your hand," Rey laid her hand on her thigh palm up. "Close your eyes," he whispered. She complied, and then she felt soft warm fingertips touching her own. They slowly glided up to her palm. Rey gasped and felt tears filling her behind her closed lids. 

"Ben, I can feel you," she whispered.

"Merry Christmas," he murmured back. 

Then she heard a loud pop, she opened her eyes, and saw her room was full of a fine mist. It was disorganized, quickly fading away. He had given her the best gift she had ever received, but now he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

Static chapter 7

The rest of the day was quiet, and Rey stayed in bed until she heard her dad making coffee around 1pm. They decided to celebrate Christmas the next day, which was fine with Rey. Her mom seemed all better on Boxing Day morning and even made scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast. Gifts were exchanged and thanks handed out, and everyone pretended everything was normal. Rey couldn't wait for the day to end so she could go back to her room and grieve the loss of her best friend alone. 

She put on an old nightgown, sat on her bed, and looked at the small pile of presents numbly. Then she stared at her hand, remembering how he touched her. She put all her presents on the floor and grabbed the wooden box from her dresser. Lovingly she ran her fingers over the lid and then opened it. The cap made her smile; she put it on and took out his journal, reading it from beginning to end. Now that she knew him, his words meant even more to her, and she could imagine his voice as she read. She put the book down, turned off the light, and went to the window that looked out over the backyard. Moonlight was shining on the white-covered earth, making it sparkle in places, and the wind blew snow from the trees every now and then. It was beautiful.

"You're wearing my cap," a deep, rich, familiar voice said behind her.

"Oh my God, Ben! I was so worried. What happened to you?" she cried, turning to face him.

Ben chuckled, "I'm fine. I think. I'm not sure what happened. It was like I ran out of energy and couldn't keep myself together. I just need a rest or something," he said shrugging and grinning. 

"I thought I had lost you," she said looking up at him.

"Nope. You can't lose me. I have nowhere else to go," he paused, and she watched as his eyes looked her up and down. "There's nowhere else I want to be actually." 

"Well, I'm glad you're back. I missed you," she said as she walked to her bed, hung his cap on her bedpost, and got under the covers leaving room for him. They talked quietly for hours about how Ben thought he was getting stronger by practicing. When he was angry, he could whip around his energy, making a whirlwind that seemed to get stronger each try. He explained that he needed to focus his energy and couldn't be visible and touch something at the same time. Rey fell asleep, happy to have her friend back, and Ben practiced moving her hair gently away from her face. 

Ben and Rey spent the rest of her vacation testing his abilities. The heaviest object he could lift was Rey's toothbrush, and he could only do it for about two seconds, balancing it on his fingertip. They were in the bathroom with the door closed, but Rey must have laughed too loudly when Ben remarked that he was the strongest ghost in the galaxy, because Rey's mom heard.

"Rey, who are you talking with up there?" she shouted from the bottom of the stairs.

"I'm on the phone with Rose," she yelled back. That seemed to placate her mom.

"Hey, can you change your image at all," she asked, returning her attention to Ben.

"Like what? What's wrong with how I look?" 

"Nothing, you just always have the same shirt and jeans on," she said with a smirk.

"Well, this was my favorite outfit," he said looking down at himself. "Although the shirt was blue not gray and my jeans were dark blue not black." Then he turned and looked into the mirror for the first time, exclaiming, "Holy shit! I look like crap. I'm so pale and blurry. Am I blurry to you?" 

"Well, I wouldn't say blurry. More like fuzzy and less defined at your edges."

He looked at himself again, "Same ugly brown eyes though." 

"Hey, don't talk about my best friend that way. Your eyes are the most expressive eyes I've ever seen. They're quite lovely," she said sternly.

"Okay shorty," he said looking down on her.

Then Rey got an idea, and she pulled her phone from her pocket. She tried to take a selfie of the two of them, but Ben just looked like a wisp of smoke, and Rey's hair had fanned out like a halo around her head with static. Rey laughed, opened the door to exit, and almost bumped right into her mother. 

"Mom, sorry, do you need something?" she asked, putting her phone back in her pocket. 

"I just want to ask you what you want on your pizza. Dad's picking one up on his way home," she said.

"Oh, the usual is fine. I like pepperoni. Thanks," Rey said sweetly. 

Back in her room with the door closed and her mother down stairs, Rey fumed.

"She hasn't been upstairs in over a year. She never asks what I want on pizza. She's just nosing around to see what I'm doing. She's picked a fine time to notice me," Rey quietly paced as she whisper-yelled at Ben.

"Hey, you have good reasons to be upset, but you're not doing anything wrong so relax."

"You know what really bothers her? That I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in years, and she knows it, and it bothers her." 

Ben looked up at her from where he was sitting, "You're happy?" 

Rey stopped pacing to look at him, "Yes. I'm almost done with high school and living here." 

"Oh, right. That makes sense," Ben said softly.

She walked up to him, "And I have the most excellent best friend in the galaxy," she said, watching his face light up.

Returning to school in January felt like the last inning with the bases loaded. Finally, she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rey was accepted to three colleges: a large state university and two community colleges. One of the community colleges was very near, which would allow her to live at home, and the other was far enough away that she would have to find housing. She felt anxious about living in a dorm, but living at home was out of the question, so she focused on how to make the best option work. She needed her own place where she could be with Ben. That was another thing on her mind. They seemed to get closer everyday, but closer to what? She could no longer envision what her life would be like without him.


	8. Chapter 8

Static chapter 8

Rey woke up with tingles coursing down her body in a strange and delightful way as she laid stretched out on her stomach. She slowly picked her head up to see that she was laying on top of Ben--or rather she was laying in him. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said as she rolled off to lay beside him.

Ben chuckled, "It's fine. I was enjoying it, actually, even though you snore." 

Rey looked at him, scrunched her nose, and shook her head, "No, I don't!"

"You do. It's cute."

"Oh? You think I'm cute?"

Ben looked at her intensely, "No, I think you're beautiful."

Rey smiled and was about to comment when there was a knock on her door. A moment later, her mom came walking in.

"Rey, you up?"

"Almost," she said as she sat up and noticed the time was 8 a.m.

"I need you to shovel the driveway so I can go out later," her mom said.

"Okay. Where are you going?"

"I'm going out to lunch with some friends." 

"Oh, that's nice. I'll get up and have some breakfast, and then I'll do the driveway," she said happily.

"Thank you," she said as she left the room with the door open.

Rey looked next to her and watched as Ben's image formed sitting next to her. Rey whispered, "What were you saying?"

Ben smiled, "I don't remember."

Rey rolled her eyes and got out of bed, grabbing her clothes and walking over to the bathroom to get ready.

When she came back to her room, it was empty, so she made her bed and went downstairs. After cereal and coffee, Rey pulled on her boots and coat and shoveled the driveway.

"I wonder if I can make a snowball?" her invisible friend said beside her.

"You might be able to, but I doubt you can throw it," she said with a grin.

Rey continued running the shovel along the edge of the driveway, walking towards the street. She walked under a tall tree branch just as Ben flicked it with one finger, causing a lump of snow to fall on her head. 

She stood still, and her jaw dropped. "I'm not going to get angry, Ben. I'm going to get even," she said through gritted teeth as she brushed herself off. It just made him laugh harder at her. 

Back in the kitchen, Rey made herself some hot cocoa. Her mom came into the room wearing a dress, tall leather boots, a full face of make-up, and her hair curled. Rey almost dropped her cup.

"Wow, you look really nice, Mom."

"Oh, thanks. I'm meeting the girls for lunch. I haven't gone out in awhile. I don't know how long I'll last but I'm going to try," she said with a smile. 

"Well, good. I hope you have fun," Rey said, and then she took her cup upstairs with her.

"Did you see her?" Rey whispered to Ben. He nodded.

"It's the first time I've seen her in anything other than loungewear."

"I know right? I bet she comes home exhausted and sleeps for two days."

Rey spent the next hour on her homework until she heard the car leaving. Dad was going to drop mom off at the restaurant, and then he was going to do the grocery shopping. Which left Rey alone with Ben. 

"Are you going to do the extra credit for history class," Ben asked.

" Nah, I already have an A. I don't remember you being with me in that class on Friday." 

"Rey, I'm always with you," he said, sitting at her desk while using her laptop.

"Oh. So, you go to all my classes?"

"Yes. I thought you knew that."

"I didn't assume. Sometimes I can't see you, and I think maybe you're someplace else."

"Nope."

"You go to church with me?"

"Yes."

"What about the confessional?"

"I wait in the narthax."

"When I'm sleeping?"

"I sit on the floor sometimes."

"The shower?" 

Ben stood up and sat next to her on the bed, "When I first came to your house I was angry at you, and I followed you everywhere trying to figure you out."

Rey repeated herself, "The shower? How about while I'm on the toilet?"

Ben looked down at his hands, "I usually wait in the hall."

"Ben! How could you invade my privacy like that? Oh my God! How many times have you seen me pick my nose or burp or fart? Oh shit," she covered her face with her hands. Then she thought with horror of all the times she had comforted herself in a way that she would never tell her mother or her friends or anyone. "You've seen me do things that I would never even confess to my priest."

"Rey, I'm so sorry. I...I have nowhere else to go. You have nothing to be embarrassed by. You do all the normal things everyone else does. All the things that I used to do. Please don't hate me. You are all I have in this world." 

"I'm so humiliated. This room is my sanctuary, and when I couldn't see you, I thought I was alone." 

"I know. I'm sorry. I just need to be near you. I understand if you want me to go away now. I've ruined our friendship, haven't I?"

"No, when friends have a problem with each other they talk about it. They don't leave."

"Really?" he said hopefully.

"Yes, you dumbass!"

"Okay, I deserve that." 

"It's so unfair. You've seen all of me in all kind of comprising situations, and all I've seen of you is the same stupid shirt and jeans."

"Hey, I like this outfit."

"You've been wearing it for 60 years." 

"Okay, I see what you're saying," he said. Ben stood up, and his image became a disorganized swirl of particles, finally reorganizing back into Ben in his baseball uniform. "How's this?" he said as he adjusted his cap. He looked adorable, the cap making his ears stick out more. 

Rey laughed, "It's nice, but not what I had in mind."

With his hands on his hips, "Well what do you want?"

"Take the cap off," she watched him comply.

"Now take your shirt off," she raised one eyebrow waiting to see if he would do it. He looked up at the ceiling, and then began to unbutton his shirt. He took it off, exposing his skinny chest and arms, "Happy now?"

"Nope. The cleats, take them off," she watched them disappear. "Now the socks," they vanished. Rey moved on the bed to lean her back on the headboard, enjoying the view.   
"Pants," she said with a wicked grin.

"Oh come on, Rey, look at me. I said I was sorry."

"Pants,"

Ben shook his head; he begrudgingly unsnapped and unzipped his pants, and they fell to the floor, evaporating. Leaving him standing in the middle of her room with the sunlight filtering through his form in only his boxers. He was all gangly limbs and ears. He moved his arms out to the sides, "Okay, how's this? Do you forgive me now?"

Rey giggled, "Almost. How many times have you seen me naked?"

"Rey, is this really what you want?" she nodded.

"Fine! I can't believe you. When I watched you, it was because I thought you were so beautiful I couldn't look away. But you just want to laugh at me. Well, go ahead," he said as he pushed his boxers down.

When he didn't hear laughing, he looked at her and found she had her head down, eyes fixated on her quilt. "I'm sorry. I took it too far. You can put your clothes back on," she whispered. In an instant, he was dressed back in his original jeans and t-shirt and sitting by her in the bed.

"I know I invaded your privacy, and that was wrong but I couldn't help myself. I didn't know anything about girls, and I figured it was my only chance to learn about one. I didn't think we would become friends."

Rey had her elbows on her thighs, and she opened her hands out to him. He laid his on top of hers. "What have you learned?" she asked.

"That I really want to kiss you."

"I wish you could too."

"You do?"

"Yes."


	9. Chapter 9

Static chapter 9

The weeks were flying by as graduation approached. Ben was good to his word and gave Rey the privacy she deserved, and when they were apart he practiced improving his ghostly skills. Rey had just come home from school and was unloading the dishwasher when her mom came into the room to grab a coke from the fridge.

"Ah, you're home. How was school?"

"It was good."

"It's Valentine's Day soon. Is there going to be a dance at school?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Aren't you interested in boys?"

Rey turned on the tap and began to rinse the dirty dishes to put in the dishwasher. "Not really. I'm focusing on my schoolwork."

"I see Kay going out all the time. Why don't you go out? Don't you have any friends?" her mom said unkindly.

"I do have friends. You know Rose," Rey said, looking her mom in the eyes.

"Well you never hang out with her."

"She has a boyfriend and a part time job, so she's busy after school, but we have lunch together everyday."

"Maybe if you wore some makeup or dressed better, you'd have more friends or a boyfriend."

"I...I do wear a little makeup, and I dress as well as everyone else at school."

"When I was your age, I had three boys interested in me, calling me, asking me out all the time, and I was invited to parties and dances. You don't do anything."

"I help you. I do the dishes, laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I do everything around here," she said heatedly. 

"Oh, so it's my fault you don't have any friends. You have no idea how I suffer. I'm in pain everyday, all day long!" Rey's mom yelled and then stomped to her bedroom, slamming the door.

She felt her back tingle and knew Ben was standing next to her with his arm around her. "What was that?" he whispered.

"Sometimes she just wants a fight. Like she's bored or sad, and she just has to yell about something. Dad says it's the drugs, but I think it's part of her sickness." 

"You know you're great the way you are, right?"

Rey smiled, gave a small nod, and whispered, "You watch, she's going to come back out in an hour crying and beg my forgiveness. She's done it many times before."

Rey had just finished her homework while Ben watched television, when she heard a knock at her door.

"Come in," she said as she put her binder in her backpack.

There stood her mother, still in her loungewear with a sad expression on her face. "Can I talk with you?"

"Sure Mom."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said and then sobbed, covering her face. "I'm the worst mother." 

Rey had no choice but to console her. She reached out with her hand, rubbed her mom's arm, and said, "No your not. You're great. I know you just worry about me."

"I do worry about you. I worry about you going off to college and having boys take advantage of you, or that you'll get involved with the wrong kids and make bad choices."

Mom must have been watching Dr. Phil or something, Rey thought.

"That's not going to happen to me. I'm a nerd. I like doing my schoolwork, you know, learning new things, reading. That's what I'm about really."

"You say that now, but you wait. You are going to be surrounded by young men and parties and all sorts of things."

"That may be true, but I'm going to have to get student loans, and I will need a degree to get a job to pay them off. I'm not going to forget that and waste my time."

Her mother hugged her, "I'm sorry I said hurtful things. You've grown up so fast. I once thought I would have at least six children, but I was only able to have one. One natural beauty," she squeezed Rey and then left.

Talking with her mother was exhausting, so Rey laid down on her bed. Ben was facing her in an instant.

"Hey, you were right," he said.

"Yup, sometimes I think she does it because she wants me to cry. So I try really hard not to. Is that sick?"

Ben laid his hand on her cheek, "No, you're not sick. She is. I'm sorry you have to put up with her," he said as a tear fell from her eye. Ben became invisible, and Rey could feel his whole hand on her face. His thumb wiped her tear away. She smiled and laid her hand on top of his. Slowly his thumb moved down her face and moved over her lips. Then his hand was gone, and she could see him again. 

"You're getting good at that," she said.

"I want to try to kiss you now….please," he said softly. Rey licked her lips, nodded and closed her eyes. She felt the soft, warm push of his lips against hers, and she pushed back. Then she could feel that his mouth was just millimeters away from hers, and she moved forward to capture it with more pressure, more passion. And then…...POP! Her eyes opened to find Ben in a million particles, swirling gently around her room. She sighed, made herself comfortable and took a nap. 

Mom must have called Dad and told him she was having a bad day, because he brought home her favorite takeout for dinner. The three of them sat around the table and passed the white boxes back and forth until the Chinese food filled their plates. They ate mostly in silence, but her mom seemed pleased.

Not having to clean the kitchen again was a bonus, and Rey was happy to go to bed early. Sleeping was difficult though, because her mind just wouldn't shut down. The conversations with her mother were churning in her head, and she missed Ben. Then she would think about his kisses and miss him even more. She comforted herself the only way she could, and finally, after her release, she fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning***  
> Underaged sexual content  
> Rey is seventeen and Ben was eighteen when he died and has been stuck in time at that age for 60 years. Technically the sexual content is self masturbation because Ben is a ghost and not able to actually have intercourse.

Static chapter 10

That was the first day all year that Rey went to school alone. Not having him near her made her painfully aware of everything around her. Everything seemed louder and too bright. Maybe it was that she was due to get her period in two days. She felt off. When she got home, she grabbed a snack and went to her room. She was about to take two Tylenol when Ben appeared.

"Hey, did you miss me?" he asked.

"Yes, I really did."

"Good. Are you not feeling well?" he asked, noticing the pills she swallowed.

"It's just a headache I think."

Ben looked worried, "Well, why don't you lay down and relax." 

"I'm fine, it's nothing. It's probably just my period creeping up on me."

"Oh," he said, and then he looked around the room like he didn't know what to do with himself.

"You okay Ben?" 

"Yeah, I'm great. All put back together." 

And then she waited because she could tell he was struggling to say something.

"I don't know anything about female anatomy."

This made Rey smile. She opened her laptop and found a medical website with several labeled diagrams and text that explained the physiology. "Here you go," she prompted.

"You know all of this already," he stated.

"Yup, and male anatomy too."

"From school?"

"Yup, sex ed class was very informative," she said smiling. Sitting on her bed, she did her homework and ate a granola bar while Ben read. An hour later, Ben turned off the laptop. He looked miserable.

"What's up?"

"I don't have blood."

"I know, you're a ghost."

"You don't understand I don't have blood so I can't…..I won't ever be able to...oh, never mind," he said defeatedly.

Rey went and stood next to him where he sat at her desk. She whispered in his ear, "You can't have an erection."

"Yeah," Ben said, still looking at the floor.

"I didn't think you could." 

"How can you want to be with me? I'm ...I'm nothing. Rey, I can't be intimate with you, not like a real boyfriend can," Ben said sadly.

Rey took a step closer to him and put her hands on the back of the chair on either side of his head, "You want to be my boyfriend?"

"Yes," he said softly, looking miserable. 

Rey smiled, "I do too, and I think you're wrong." 

He smiled and then asked, "What do you mean?"

Rey walked to her bed and laid on top of it, "Come over here, boyfriend," she said, color rising in her cheeks as she patted the bed beside her.

In a blink of her eye, he was beside her on the bed with a puzzled look on his face.

"Do you remember the other morning when I stretched out on my stomach, and you were under me, around me?" she said shyly.

"Yes," he said with a smirk.

"Well, it felt amazing. I was tingly all over but especially in certain places," she whispered. Ben laid his hand on her stomach.

"Are you saying that I can give you pleasure?"

Rey nodded. "Ben, I love your voice in my ear, the way you look at me, the goosebumps on my skin, all of it. I want you to be my boyfriend just as you are. I don't need anything else."

Ben looked at her with adoration and hovered over her body, bent his arms on either side of her head, and then slowly lowered the rest of his form into her. She gasped as her whole body felt enveloped by his energy in vibrating waves of invisible touch.

"Oh, you feel so good, Ben," if only there was a bit of friction, her body needed something to rub against. She could feel his hands on her head and his cheek against hers. 

He pulled his face back to look at her, It's not enough, is it?"

"Almost, I just need, um, a little bit of pressure. You know, down there," she whispered.

"On your clitorus," he said, proudly using his new vocabulary.

"Yeah."

"Then touch yourself," he whispered in her ear.

Rey thought about it for a moment. She knew he had already seen her do it. Maybe she needed to share this with him. It was a level of vulnerability she had never thought she would share with anyone. She grabbed the pillow next to her, put it over her chest, and face. With her left arm, she held the pillow to her as her right hand moved under it into her pants. 

"How does it feel?" he whispered.

"Good, so good."

"Describe it for me."

Panting into the side of her pillow where his ear was, she whispered, "Um, I feel soft and slippery and like I'm about to explode."

"I wish I was touching you. Imagine it's my hand touching you. My lips kissing your neck."

Rey let out a small moan. "Ben," she sighed.

"Rey, you're so beautiful, my sweet girl." 

His deep voice in her ear pulled the orgasm out from her body, leaving her sweaty, tired, and breathless. Ben rolled into his side and stared down on her. Then he went invisible, and Rey could feel his hand on the side of her face. The ghost of his lips pressed a soft kiss to hers. She smiled contentedly.

"I want to see you." 

"I'm right here," he said as he reappeared.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Anything that would make you feel good too?" she asked.

"You always make me feel good. I don't have physical responses like I did when I was alive. I don't get butterflies in my stomach, or blush, or get aroused, but I have this feeling right here," he said with his hand on his sternum. "It's like there's a rope tied to me here, and it's tied to you. The closer I am to you, the better I feel," he said with a smile.

Rey sat up, pulled her shirt and bra off, and laid back down. She watched as his eyes traveled from hers to her lips and then down her body. He laid his hand on her sternum. Rey could feel his electric touch as his hand moved over her skin to her breast. He vanished, and his touch became a solid, gentle squeeze, his thumb caressed a path around her nipple and then back and forth over it and then….POP!


	11. Chapter 11

Static chapter 11

On Valentine's Day, Rey woke up to a feather-light kiss from her boyfriend. It was the happiest she had ever been in her life, all because she was completely in love. 

"Good morning," she whispered.

"Good morning. Happy Valentine's Day," he murmured back.

She suddenly felt overcome with emotion, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Hey, what's the matter? he asked.

Feeling foolish, she wiped her tears away. "Nothing's the matter. I'm just so happy. I love waking up and seeing you here. It's like a miracle every time," she said.

Ben smiled and stroked her face. "You're a miracle for me too--that you can see me, that you like me," he said with a chuckle.

"I don't like you. I love you," she said softly.

He looked at her face for a few moments like he was trying to understand her words. "Rey, I love you too," he said, evaporating, and surprising her with a dozen little kisses over her cheeks and nose. The last kiss on her lips was slow and soft. It was difficult getting out of bed after that, but they did. 

Rey no longer had to wonder where Ben was. She could always feel his gentle electric touch with his hand on her shoulder while she sat in class or on her back as she stood at her locker. Now that he was her boyfriend, he was always close. It filled her with happiness and helped her move confidently through her days at school.

Everyday was one day closer to graduation and a new life. Rey managed to keep all her grades up, her chores done, and had visited the small college she had been accepted to. She had put in applications for part-time jobs and housing. All of her hard work was making her plans come together, but there was a tension growing at home. She was used to her mother's cycle of days spent intermittently sleeping on the couch and occasional bursts of trying to do things around the house. One day, Rey came home from school and found that her mom had baked chocolate chip cookies and cleaned the kitchen before falling asleep on the couch. The good days were usually followed by a few quiet days and then by a few bad days. 

Rey could now recognize the bad days by the look on her mother's face. Her lack of medication made her agitated, angry, and restless. The more Rey tried to avoid an argument, the more her mom tried to pick one. Rey remembered when she was younger how her mom would say mean things to her until she cried. Then she would apologize, but the hurtful things her mom had said still bounced around in her head. She forgave her over and over again, clinging to the few good memories she had of her mother as proof that she loved her. Her father was usually at work and didn't witness her mother's behavior. Sometimes he would seek a quiet word with Rey to tell her that it was her duty to be a good daughter, that her mother was special because she felt things so deeply. 

For years, she had elevated her mother's feeling above her own until she had learned about drug addiction in health class and gaslighting in psychology. Rey realized that she felt everything just as deeply as her mother but responded differently. She could control her words and actions when her mother couldn't. Her realization changed her. She no longer cried when her mother started in on her. Instead, she would calmly answer all the accusations and try to redirect her mother by focusing on her. 

When Rey came home from school on a rainy day that March, she could see the look on her mom's face and knew she was ready for battle.

"Ah, you're home. Now you can tell me where you got this?" her mom spat out to her. In her hand was Ben's baseball cap.

"I bought it," Rey said while putting her bookbag down.

"You expect me to believe that you bought this dirty old used thing? When are you going to stop lying to me? I know you're seeing someone, and this proves it!" her mom yelled at her.

"Mom, I did buy it. I bought it at an estate sale. It was inside a wooden box so I kind of bought it by accident," Rey explained.

Her mother looked at the cap in her hand and then tossed it on the kitchen counter and walked away.

"Mom, are you hungry? Would you like a snack or a cup of tea?" she called after her mom as she put the kettle on. Her mom just kept walking to the living room couch. Rey brought a cup of tea and her backpack upstairs to her room, wearing Ben's cap. She felt her mom watching her. Once the door was shut, goosebumps rose up all over her as Ben held her in his arms, her seething anger slowly dissipated. 

"She was in my room going through my things," Rey said as she looked around noticing how some things were displaced. "I can't wait to get out of here," she said with her forehead resting where his chest would be.

"Not long now, sweetheart," Ben whispered.

When graduation was four weeks away, Rey finally breathed a sigh of relief. Her cap and gown were ordered, she had bought a dress and new shoes, and she had all her arrangements settled for her new school. That Friday was a balmy spring day, and Rey was humming while she cleaned the kitchen with Ben leaning back against the counter smiling at her. 

"What a pretty housewife you make," he said with a smirk.

She threw the dish towel she was using to wipe the countertops at him, but it went right through him and hit the counter with a splat. Ben chuckled. 

"I plan to be more than just a housewife. I'm going to college, you know."

"Oh, I know," he continued to chuckle.

Rey dried her hands off and stood right up against him with her hands resting on the counter. She tipped her face up to his and whispered, "Kiss me."

Instantly his lips were on hers soft and sweet with one hand holding the back of her head and neck. 

"Did you imagine that you would have yourself a housewife? A little woman to dote on you when you got home from work, dinner in the oven, and all dressed up with a pearl necklace when you walked through the door?" Rey asked with a smile.

"Now that you mention it, that sounds very nice."

"It does actually. Maybe you can be my househusband," she said with a laugh.

All at once, Rey saw Ben's eyes move to the kitchen entrance and heard her mother say, "Rey! Who are you talking to?"

Rey spun around to face the wide eyes of her mother. "No one, I was just talking to myself."

"You're hearing voices aren't you?" her mom said as she slowly approached her.

"No, I'm not. I was just reciting lines from a book I read for English class. I have an exam next week," Rey lied. 

"What book?" her mom asked.

Rey's brain scrambled as fast as it could to come up with a plausible answer. "Fahrenheit 451," she spewed. Her mother stood in front of her and rubbed her arm. 

"You know that you can tell me things. I'm your mother. I can help you, Rey," she said softly. 

"I know that, Mom, but I'm fine. Really I am."

"Why don't you go get your homework done. Dad's bringing home pizza for dinner. I'll finish up in the kitchen," her mom said.

Once in her room, she turned to Ben, "I need to be much more careful from now on. She really snuck up on us. I'm afraid she doesn't want me to go to college."

Ben nodded in agreement.


	12. Chapter 12

Static chapter 12

The next two weeks, Rey watched her back. When she mowed the lawn, she wore her ear buds but kept her music off so she could talk with Ben without raising suspicion. She even went on a double date to the movies with Rose, her boyfriend, Finn, and a friend of his. She held Ben's hand the whole time. The next morning, she got up early, made a pot of coffee, and waited at the kitchen table for her dad to join her. She hoped he would be her ally.

"Good morning, Dad," she said as he walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning. Ah, you made coffee. Good," he replied, fixed himself a cup, and joined her at the table.

"So, how's work?" 

"It's okay. I finally got the new guy trained so it's running a bit smoother now," he said. She had no idea what he was talking about but nodded.

"That's good."

"Mm. How are you doing? You all ready to graduate?"

"Yup. All my ducks are in a row," she said smiling.

"Your mom and I are sure going to miss you when you leave. Who's going to make my Saturday morning coffee?” he said with a sad smile.

"Well, I'll come home on the weekends sometimes, Dad. And I'll miss you too," the conversation didn't go where she wanted it to, but it was still nice. Rey finished her coffee and went to do the laundry. The weekend was quiet due to her mom spending most of her time in bed.

On Monday when Rey got home from school, there were homemade peanut butter cookies on the counter. Rey smiled confidently, remarking to herself that today would be one of her mom's good days. With her mom nowhere in sight, she grabbed two cookies and a bottle of water and ran up to her room. Munching she quietly talked with Ben about their day at school. He was really enjoying her English class and liked helping her with her essays. Today they had read the poem “Ode On A Grecian Urn” by John Keats, and she had a paper due on Monday. 

"I don't understand what's so great about an urn," Ben said.

"Well, let's look at a few and see," Rey said as she opened her laptop and googled it.

The first three images were of urns decorated with athletes and mythological figures, but the forth urn had a very explicit depiction of a naked man receiving a blow job from a woman.

"Oh my God! Rey! You should not be able to look at things like that!" Ben yelled.

Trying hard not to choke Rey laughed. "Don't be such a prude, Ben," she told him as she scrolled for more explicit images just for fun. She found one of two men and another one of an orgy.

"Rey! That's appalling! I know I'm not from this time, but you shouldn't be exposed to stuff like that," he said as he stared at the screen.

"Ben, you do realize that you are upset seeing something that is thousands of years old. The Greeks weren't puritans like you," she giggled. 

Just then, her mom burst through her door, making Rey jump.

"I heard you. You were talking to someone. You can't deny it this time, Rey," her mom said with a wild look in her eye as she walked closer.

"Mom, you scared me."

"What are you looking at on your laptop?"

Turning a deep shade of red, she said, "Grecian urns. I have to write an essay on a poem by Keats about one."

"You have to write an essay on ancient erotica for English class?"

"No, just a regular one. This just came up when I googled it. I didn't mean to see this," she said waving her hand at the screen. 

"That doesn't explain you talking and laughing to yourself."

"Well, look at it. It's pretty funny. I mean here I was trying to start my work on my essay and this comes up," Rey said trying to sound reasonable. 

"No, Rey, it's not very funny. I think you're even sicker than I originally thought. I think the stress of getting ready for college has finally gotten to you. I think you have an imaginary boyfriend and some very twisted sexual fantasies," her mom said and then turned and left the room. 

Rey stood there motionless, her mouth hanging open and her face red. "She wants me to be sick like her. That's what this is about. She wants me to stay here in misery just like her," the realization made her stomach turn. "Dad won't believe her. He loves me. He wants me to go to college. He won't believe her," Rey said as she began to pace back and forth.

"I'm going to see what she's doing. I don't trust her, Rey. I'll be right back," Ben said as he became invisible. He was back five minutes later.

"She called your dad all hysterical, and now he's coming home. When she got off the phone, she was normal again. It was weird, like she was just acting for your dad. Then she started getting dressed, so I left.

"She's getting dressed? It's almost 4 p.m. Now I'm very worried," Rey took out her copy of the poem and her assignment so she could show it to her father if he asked. She then sat on her bed, waiting for the worst and holding Ben's hand. Thirty minutes later, his car pulled up the driveway. Rey could hear her parents having a heated discussion but not the actual words they were saying. Finally, she heard her dad coming up the stairs to her room. He knocked and then entered slowly.

"Rey, your mom has told me some pretty disturbing things about you. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm fine, Dad. I don't know what Mom is talking about. She is always accusing me of things I'm not doing."

"So you weren't up here talking to yourself and looking at pornography?"

"No, I was laughing at something on my laptop. You see, I have to write an essay on this poem," she said, handing him her copy of it. "It's for English class. I wanted to see what Keats was talking about, so I googled it, and that's when the explicits images of Greek pottery came up. It made me laugh."

Her dad looked at her assignment and back at her, "Rey, who's Ben?"

This question caught her off guard. She hesitated to answer.

"Show him my journal," Ben whispered.

"Oh, Ben? I only know of the Ben that wrote this journal. You remember the wooden box I bought a while back. Well, it had this journal in it ,and the baseball cap I wear sometimes," she said as she held up the journal.

Her dad took the journal and skimmed it. "You talk to some old guy that wrote this 60 years ago?"

"No, I don't."

"Your mother says you do. That you have conversations and pretend to kiss him."

"She's lying! I don't have a pretend boyfriend!"

"Rey, why would your mother lie about that?"

"Because she doesn't want me to go to college. She doesn't want me to be happy," Rey said with tears streaming down her face.

"Well, let's go downstairs and talk about it with her. Come on," he said, gesturing for her to walk in front of him. Rey obeyed and went down the stairs, coming around the corner into the kitchen to find her mom talking with two big men in ambulance uniforms.

"What's this? What's going on?" she asked softly.

"Rey, sweetie, these nice men are going to take you to the hospital so you can get some help," her mom said, standing in the kitchen fully dressed and made up.

"Mom, please don't do this. I swear to you I'm fine. I'm not hearing voices," she pleaded with her mother. She felt both of Ben's arms going around her middle from behind her.

"I won't leave you. Wherever you go I will go too," he whispered in her ear. "Don't put up a fight. Go with them calmly," he added.

Rey nodded, "Okay, fine. Let's go," she gave one last look at her dad and saw he had tears in his eyes. good, she thought, as each man took her by an arm, led her out of the house, and into the waiting ambulance.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning***  
> Hospital setting, no detailed description of medical procedures.

Static chapter 13

Ben held her the entire ride to the ER. The goosebumps across her back, shoulders, and across her stomach helped to keep her aware of what was happening. When she was brought in by the EMTs, there were staff waiting to take her into a room. A nurse guided in and asked her to sit on the bed. She then took Rey's vitals, with Ben's hands reassuringly ghosting on her shoulders. A few minutes later, her parents walked in with a doctor. She was so full of anger she couldn't look at them. Her parents sat down in a pair of vinyl chairs by her bed, and the doctor sat on a stool and rolled over to Rey.

"Rey, I'm Doctor Plutt. I need to have a look at your eyes," he said as he pulled a penlight from his pocket. Rey tilted her head up and looked at him. "Em, good. Your pupils look fine. Have you taken any drugs in the last 24 hours?"

"No, I don't do drugs," she said emphatically. Then her mother made a "pff" sound.

"Well, we will need a urine sample to confirm that. Do you understand why you were brought here?"

"My mother thinks I'm hearing voices but I'm not."

"Your parents are concerned that you are a danger to yourself," the doctor said.

"I'm not. I don't know why they would say that."

"Your mother thinks you have been taking her prescription medications." 

"What! I have never, ever taken even one pill from my mother's stash!" Rey yelled. She looked at her parents seethingly, "How could you say that? You know I would never do that."

Her dad looked at her mom with a questioning expression but didn't say anything.

"Rey, for several months I've been short on my medications. I counted and recounted each prescription. It's the only logical conclusion. I'm afraid that either you are using them to get high or you are stockpiling them to kill yourself. You've changed and have been acting strangely."

Rey looked at her mother and saw right through her carefully-applied made-up face. "You are a liar. I have not taken your drugs, but I have changed. I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm almost done living with you."

Rey's dad just stared at her like he couldn't believe what she was saying.

"Okay, I'm going to order a urine test and blood test, and I think we should send Rey to a unit to be watched for 48 hours. Then you'll have a better idea of what's going on with her," the doctor said to her parents.

"I have school to go to. I'm graduating in two weeks. I don't have time for this!" Rey stated loudly.

"There's nothing more important than your health, Rey, and until you're eighteen, your parents are in charge of your medical care," the doctor replied, looking at her again.

The realization that she had zero control over her life until her birthday in June sunk in. The doctor walked out of the room, leaving her alone with her parents.

"How could you do this to me?" she asked.

"It's for your own good," her mother said.

"Is it Mom? Or is it what's best for you? Why don't you just admit that you don't want me to go to college? You want me to stay home and do your housework."

"Rey, don't be so dramatic. It's not like you're Cinderella or something. Nobody makes you do anything, and it's not like you have anything better to do," her mom said.

Her father finally spoke up, "Rey, the only reason we are here is because we love you and want to help you. It's not right that you live in a fantasy world."

Rey couldn't respond to that. She didn't feel loved by them at all. A nurse came in with a cup, took Rey to the bathroom so she could urinate in it, and then she took a vial of her blood. Afterwards, the three of them sat in silence for an hour. The doctor came back into the room to tell them that the labs wouldn't be back until tomorrow, and that Rey was being moved to a room in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. A nurse came in with a wheelchair to move Rey. 

"We'll come visit you tomorrow and bring you whatever you need," her dad said softly.

Rey didn't respond as she got into the wheelchair. She didn't say goodbye. The unit was at the other end of the large hospital, and the further away they went from the main entrance, the older the building seemed to be. The nurse brought her through a series of electronically-operated doors that only opened with a swipe of her name tag. 

The unit was quiet except for two nurses talking behind the medical station. The nurse pushing her brought her to the first room after the station. "Okay, here we are. You will be in this room for now, and if you do well tonight, then you can be moved to a more comfortable room tomorrow," the nurse said. Looking around the room took only a second, because it only contained a bed. Rey stood up from the wheelchair and moved to sit on the bed.  
"I'll be right back," the nurse said as she took the wheelchair away. A moment later she came back and handed Rey a hospital gown.

"This will be more comfortable to sleep in than your clothes," she said as she closed the door. "Just put your clothes in this bag, and you will get them back tomorrow," the nurse held out a clear plastic bag with the name of the hospital printed on it. Rey turned her back to her, took off her clothes, and put the ugly gown on. The nurse helped her put her things in the bag, and then she secured a plastic ID bracelet on her wrist.

"Have you eaten dinner?"

"No," she answered quietly.

"I can order you something from the kitchen. How about a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of soup?"

"Yes please, that sounds good."

"Okay then, it will probably take about twenty minutes, and then I will be back. If you need to use the bathroom, just push the call button, and I'll take you to it," the nurse said with a smile.

"Thank you," Rey replied.

The nurse closed the door, and Rey heard it lock. Ben appeared sitting on the bed next to her. Then he shifted so one leg was laying behind her on the bed, and both of his arms were around her. 

"I'm so sorry, Rey. You don't deserve this," he whispered into her ear.

"You don't deserve to be dead. I'm not sure any of us get what we deserve," she whispered back.

"I hate your mother. I can't believe she said those lies about you. Part of me wants to go back to your house right now and scare the shit out of her."

"No! Don't go. Please don't leave me here alone," Rey said with desperation.

"Okay. I won't," Ben said, and then he kissed her cheek.

The nurse came back with a tray table and her meal, wheeling it up to her by the bed. Then she pointed out the call button and intercom on the bedrail.

"Just call me when you're finished, and I'll collect the tray," the nurse said. Rey nodded, and then ate the sandwich, drank a cup of water, and couldn't eat any more. She was emotionally drained, her mind thinking about all the things she should be doing, like her essay and other homework. She pushed the button, and a few minutes later, the nurse returned and wheeled the tray table out of the room.

At the door she asked, "Would you like to use the bathroom now? I can give you a toothbrush, and you could have a shower if you'd like." 

Rey stood up and followed the nurse to a very large bathroom. The nurse gathered some toiletries, and then gave them to Rey, sitting in a chair by the door and looking at her cell phone while Rey brushed her teeth. Feeling embarrassed, she used the toilet quickly and then pulled back the curtain on the shower and got in. Once she pulled the curtain closed, she took off her gown and tossed it just outside the shower, turning the water on. It was ice cold at first but quickly warmed up to a comfortable temperature. Ben was with her the whole time, turned away from her to protect her modesty. It made her smile.

"Hey, you don't need to turn away," she whispered at his back.

"Shhhh," he said holding his finger to his lips, "she's listening," he said slowly turning to face her as she washed her hair.

She finished her shower as fast as she could, redressed, and followed the nurse back to her room. Two staff members were in her room changing out her bed for a new one. When they saw the nurse one of them said, "The intercom on the bed is working perfectly, so you should have no problems with it."

"Oh, good. Thanks," the nurse said. Looking at Rey she explained, "We were having trouble hearing you. The intercom on the old bed was full of static."

"Oh," Rey replied. This made Rey wonder if they were watching and listening to her the whole time through a hidden camera. She laid down facing the wall, pulled the covers up to her neck, and closed her eyes. Ben laid down behind her and curled his form to hers. Even though she was in a strange bed in a strange place, she found she could sleep because of the familiar light buzzing on her skin where Ben was holding her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I tell you what you want to hear  
> Will it help you to sleep well at night?  
> Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear?  
> Now just cuddle up and sleep tight
> 
> I'm hungry, I'm dirty  
> I'm losing my mind, everything's fine
> 
> Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham

Static chapter 14

Rey woke up to the feeling of Ben stroking the side of her face. "Hey," he said as she opened her eyes.

"Hey," she whispered back.

"Rey, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's all my fault. If I had just left you alone, none of this would have happened," Ben said with sorrow in his deep, brown eyes.

"It's not your fault. My mother is to blame for this. You are the most amazing thing that ever happened to me," she said earnestly. Ben didn't look convinced but didn't argue, because the door to the room opened. A new nurse entered carrying the bag of Rey's clothes.

"Good morning, Rey. I'm one of the day nurses; my name is Amilyn. It's time to get dressed and join everyone in the dining hall. You have a busy day today, so please get ready, and I'll be back in ten minutes to show you around," she said, handing Rey the bag. Rey got up, dressed, and pulled her hair back in a messy bun. Ben stood nearby, slouching with his hands in his pockets and staring at the floor. 

"It's going to be okay. We both know there's nothing wrong with me," she said, walking up to him. Rey reached up on her toes and kissed his cheek. 

Nurse Amilyn escorted Rey to the dining area, pointing out the doctor's office and the art room on their way. The dining room had six round tables, each with four chairs, and a long, rectangular table at the back that was set up buffet-style. Rey counted ten people eating breakfast as Amilyn guided her to the back table and told her to help herself to breakfast. Rey grabbed a tray, bowl, spoon, small box of Cheerios, container of milk, cup of coffee, and a banana. She turned from the table to look for a place to sit and chose an empty table. Most of the women were sitting quietly, but at one table, two women about Rey's age were talking and laughing. Minding her own business, Rey fixed her coffee, which was awful, and then poured the cereal and milk into her bowl. She cut up her banana with her spoon and sprinkled it on top of the cereal. She watched the others as they cleaned up from their meal, and Rey followed suit. Nurse Amilyn returned to take Rey for her first meeting with the doctor and instructed her to stand by the closed door to wait for him. A few minutes later, the door opened.

"Ah, young Rey. Please come in," said a tall, thin, wrinkled, old man. "I'm Dr. Snoke. It's nice to meet you," he said as he held out his hand to her. Rey extended her own and shook with him. He had managed to make her feel uncomfortable in a matter of seconds. 

"Please, have a seat, and we can begin to get to know each other."

Rey sat at the end of a couch with Ben standing behind her, his hands on her shoulders, and the doctor sat in a high-backed leather chair across from her.

"So, I've reviewed your chart, and I'm very interested in what you have to say."

Rey was confused. "About what?" she asked.

"Well, about yourself, of course. What are your interests, what are you good at, what are your plans for the future?"

His questions puzzled her, and then she realized he was trying to build a rapport with her.

"Um, I like reading, I'm good at math, and I plan to go to college."

"Excellent! How are your grades?"

"I have mostly As and a few Bs this year."

"That's wonderful. You must be a smart girl."

Rey shrugged and looked around the room, noticing that the doctor was writing in a notebook as they talked.

"So, tell me about your social life. A pretty girl like you must have caught the eyes of many young men."

"Well, no. I have a few friends at school. That's it really."

"Do you enjoy extracurricular activities?"

"I'm not athletic, and I'm not a member of any clubs, if that's what you mean."

"Oh, how come?"

"I've just focused on my school work, and I help out a lot at home, and I do odd jobs around the neighborhood like babysitting."

"So, tell me, Rey, why does your mother think you have a drug problem?"

"I don't know why she said that. I don't have a drug problem. I would never steal her drugs."

"I believe you. Your tox screen came back negative. So why did your mother lie?"

"Because she is a selfish addict who wants me around to do the housework."

"Interesting. You could be right. What about her claim that you are hearing voices?"

"I'm not. She just wants me to be sick like her, and I'm not."

"Well, you wouldn't be the first lonely girl to have an imaginary boyfriend, Rey. It's nothing to be ashamed about."

"I'm not lonely or ashamed," Rey said holding her head up.

"Tell me about Ben."

Rey paused to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Last summer, I went to an estate sale and bought a locked wooden box. They didn't have the key, and I could tell something was inside, so I brought it home and opened it with a hairpin. Inside was an old baseball cap and a journal written by a boy in 1958. His name was Ben."

"Fascinating. That must have been a nice little mystery for you. Was the boy's journal interesting?"

"Yes. He wrote about his family and school and playing baseball. He was just a normal guy."

"He would be about my age."

A small shiver ran down Rey's spine at the thought, and she heard Ben chuckle in her ear.

"He would have, but he died when he was eighteen in a terrible car accident."

"How tragic."

"Yes."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Sad, I guess. Sorry that he didn't get to do the things he wanted to."

"He's like you isn't he? You don't get to do the things you want to do because of your sick mother?"

"Maybe. I hadn't thought about it that way."

"Well, that's my job here, Rey, to get you to think about things. I'm going to prescribe a medication for you that I think will have you feeling better quickly."

"I don't want to take any medications, please."

The doctor sighed, "Well, if you want to get out of here in time to graduate, you need to be cooperative. I suggest you take the medication and see how you feel. If it makes you feel poorly, we can try something else," he stood up, moved to his door, and Rey followed. "I will be seeing you this afternoon for group therapy. Have a good day," he said as he ushered her out and closed his door.

Next, Rey went to art therapy. The room reminded her of the art room at school. A very tall and very beautiful, blonde woman wearing a smock greeted Rey at the door. 

"Welcome, come on in and sit anywhere you like. I'm your art therapist. My name is Phasma, and you are?"

"Hi, I'm Rey."

"Lovely to meet you, Rey. Do you enjoy art?"

"Um, yes?"

"Ah, what would you like to get your fingers dirty with? We have paints, charcoals, new pastels, pens, clay, collage materials, paper mache, and really anything you need to create a masterpiece."

Rey was a bit overwhelmed as she looked around the room until she spotted a woman at an easel painting with acrylics. "That," she said pointing to the woman.

"Excellent choice. Let me set you up," the therapist said.

As she stood and watched Phasma set up her paints and canvas, the room filled up with more women. They set up their materials at their stations and then waited. Phasma walked to the front of the room and wrote the word COMFORT in big letters on a chalkboard.

"Okay my lovelies, this is today's inspiration," and then she pushed play on a stereo filling the room with soft, contemporary piano music. It didn't take Rey long to pick up a brush and start swirling paint onto the canvas. She pointed nonchalantly to the window indicating to Ben that she wanted him to stand there. He smirked, crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned against the window frame out of view of the canvas. Her mind was filled with all the things that provided her comfort, and she struggled to find ways to translate her feelings into images. After an hour, her canvas was filled with a mosaic of different images that flowed into each other. In it, she could see a square from her patchwork quilt, the tall grass from the edge of the brook behind her house, the journal, the deep warm brown center of Ben's eye, spots of mist and electric sparks and cherry blossom petals. Rey put her brush into a cup of water and smiled at what she had created. Phasma began to collect supplies to put away and glanced at her painting.

"Oh wow, Rey, that's quite a painting. Very impressionistic and great use of color. I love what you did here," she said pointing to the middle of the canvas. "Is that an eye?"

"Yes."

"It's well done. I look forward to seeing more of your work," she said with a smile as she walked to the next station. Ben ghosted over behind her to have a look. His hands softly held her waist as he leaned his head over her shoulder. Then he went invisible and kissed her neck as both of his arms went solid around her middle.

"You're my comfort too," he whispered.

Lunch was basically a repeat of breakfast with different food choices. The nurse gave her a pill to take with her meal. Rey sat alone and ate a ham and cheese sandwich and an apple.

Then the doctor came in and said, "Okay ladies, let's set up for group," Rey watched as people began to move the tables to the sides and form a circle with chairs. 

Opening his notebook, the doctor said, "Alright, yesterday we did an exercise to measure how much stress we have in our lives. I would like to continue with the topic of stress and how we deal with it. Any volunteers who would like to share how they deal with stress?"

No one answered. "Jessica? No? How about you, Bazine?"

"I like to get laid to release stress," said a gorgeous woman as she reclined back in her chair.

"Sex in a healthy relationship is a good way to release stress. However, promiscuous, unsafe sex can be very harmful physically and mentally. Partners should know each other's boundaries and should be considerate of them. Anyone else have something to add?"

The two girls who sat together at meals started to giggle.

"You have something to add, Jessica?"

"Yeah, sometimes I smoke weed, and sometimes I like to cut myself."

"Do you think that either of those coping strategies are good for you?"

"No, but it feels good, so I don't care."

"That is so fucked up," said a woman from the other side of the circle.

"We are not here to judge, Karan; only to listen and support each other," the doctor said to the woman. "Rey, you're new to the group. Please share with us how you deal with stress."

"Um, well, I guess I like to clean the house."

"Ah, a very productive coping strategy. How does it make you feel when you're done?"

"Good. Like I helped my family."

"So, you see the benefits of your work, and you enjoy it. Good. I'm glad to know that no one is forcing you to do it," the doctor said. "How about you Paige?"

Well shit, Rey thought. He had taken her words and turned them around. Her mother would love him. The medication began to take effect causing Rey to zone out from the group discussion. 

After group therapy was free time. The tables got moved back and people did various activities like reading, playing cards, puzzles, writing letters, or just chatting. Rey got herself a coffee. It was still awful, and she winced as she drank it. 

"It's decaf, that's why it's so bad," Jessica said to her.

"Oh, then what's the point," Rey said as she threw her cup away. Feeling exhausted, she laid her head down on her arms that were resting on the table and fell asleep. An hour later, the nurse woke her up, because she had a visitor.

The visitors’ lounge had a couch, two stuffed chairs, and a round table with four hard chairs pushed around it. Her dad was sitting at the table with a bag in front of him. He stood when she entered the room.

Feeling unsteady on her feet, she pulled a chair out and sat down while her dad just stared at her.

"Rey, are you okay? 

"Sure, Dad, never better."

"You don't seem right?"

"I'm drugged, Dad. This is what I actually look like when I'm drugged. You are witnessing my first time on drugs. Make sure you tell Mom so she's proud of me."

Her father looked like she had punched him in the gut. "Rey, your mother and I just want to help you because we love you." 

"You love me Dad? What's my favorite color, or my favorite book? What do I want to be when I'm all grown up? You don't know me. How can you love me? And Mom's not here like usual. Was she afraid to come back here? Afraid if she visited that they wouldn't let her leave?"

"She didn't sleep at all last night because she was so worried about you."

"Tell her everything is fine," Rey slurred as she grabbed the bag and left the room. A nurse found her walking down the hall and gently put her arm around her to guide Rey to her room. The nurse changed her clothes, putting a gown on her, and helped her get into bed. 

Alone at last, Ben fretted over her, brushing her hair away from her face and kissing her cheek.  
"My sweet girl, I'm so sorry. I always ruin everything. I wish you had never met me."

"Ben, shut up," she whispered and then fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Static chapter 15

Rey woke up with a start, sensing she was in bed alone. Turning her head, she quickly relaxed, seeing Ben as he paced back and forth deep in thought. Seeing him this way brought a new anxiety to her. 

"Ben, what are you doing?" 

He paused to look at her with a frown on his face, "I'm thinking."

"I can see that. Thinking about what?"

"I'm trying to think of a way to help you."

"Just being with me helps me," she said holding her hand out to him.

He walked to her, leaned over, and kissed her forehead. There was a knock on the door, and then the nurse entered with Rey's clothes. 

"Good morning Rey. How are you feeling?"

"I'm groggy and very thirsty. I didn't like the medicine you gave me yesterday."

"Okay, I'll get you a cup of water and make sure you tell the doctor about the medicine when you see him after breakfast," the nurse said with a smile.

After Rey used the bathroom and got dressed, she went to the dining hall for breakfast. She picked the same breakfast but skipped the horrible decaf coffee and chose a large styrofoam cup filled with ice water instead. When she was halfway done eating, two girls came over to her table and sat down. 

*Hi, I'm Jess, and this is Kay." 

"Hi, I'm Rey."

"I saw you trying to walk to your room last night. You were so out of it," Jess said, smiling at her.

Rey squirmed uncomfortably in her chair but continued eating her cereal. 

"What do you think about Snoke?" Kay asked. 

Rey shrugged, "I've only met with him once. I'm not sure how I feel about him yet," she answered.

Leaning in to Rey's space, Jess whispered, "He's a fucking creep." Kay nodded in agreement.

"What are you in here for?" Jess asked, sitting back up and picking at her food.

"Jess, you know that's rude. You don't have to answer that," Kay said.

"I'm just curious, Kay. Don't get your panties in a bunch," Jess responded.

"We're both being treated for depression and anxiety," Kay said.

Rey ate her last bite and picked up her things, "Well, I have to go now. I'll see you later," she said and then tossed her garbage, put her tray away, and left. After standing in the hall for five minutes, the door opened.

"Come on in Rey," Dr. Snoke said.

Rey entered and sat on the couch. 

"How are you feeling today?"

"I didn't like the medicine you gave me yesterday. I couldn’t walk straight or keep my eyes open," Rey stated.

"Yes, I know. I read the nurses notes from last night. I have a different medication for you to try today. One that's as strong but has fewer side effects."

Ben stopped her from arguing by squeezing her shoulders with his hands. 

"Fine," Rey said.

"So yesterday, we talked about how you had something in common with the boy in the journal. What other things do you have in common with him?"

"Um, I don't know."

"You said he wrote about his family. Did he have siblings?"

"No."

"So you have that in common. Did he always get along with his parents?"

"No."

"Hmm, what about friends. Did he have many?"

"No, not really. He was on a baseball team, and they all liked him because he was such a good hitter." 

"Did he have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"He was shy."

"Sounds like you two have a lot in common. Two lonely, shy kids."

Rey picked at her fingernails and avoided looking at the doctor.

"Let's move on. When did things start becoming difficult with your mother? And let me clarify that I'm not concerned with her history of issues but, rather, when she began to think you were acting differently."

"About eight months ago, I had begun applying to colleges, and it made me happy. I finally felt like I was about to begin my life."

"And this had what kind of effect on your relationship with your mother?"

"She started accusing me of things I wasn't doing."

"What things?"

"She accused me of hooking up with guys."

"Let me get this correct. She accused you of having promiscuous sex with boys from school?"

"Yes."

"How did that make you feel?"

Taking a deep breath and then letting it out slowly, she said, "At first, I was confused, because I hadn't changed my routine in any way. All I did was go to school and come home or go to church and come home. I had no idea when she thought I was sneaking out to do things behind her back. Then I got angry."

"Why were you angry?"

"Because what upset her was that I was happy."

"Hm, I can definitely understand your anger. When I was your age it was a simpler time. Boys courted girls, took them to dances and out for milkshakes. Sex was usually saved for the wedding night. Are you sexually active?"

"No."

"So, you're a virgin?"

"Yes," she responded blushing. 

"Do you plan on waiting for marriage?"

"No. I mean, I don't have a plan."

"Let's recap. You don't like any boys from school. You haven't had sex, and you don't do drugs."

"Correct."

"You're a girl from another time. I can picture you sitting there in bobby socks, saddle shoes, a skirt, and a monogrammed sweater. You would be the perfect girl for someone like Ben."

Rey was more than agitated as she just stared at the doctor.

"Would he have been the perfect boy for you?" he asked.

"Yes," she snapped.

"Good. I think we've made some good progress today," marking the end of their session. Rey got up and left his office. At the nurses desk, she was informed that she had to go to a group session of movement and meditation. Wonderful, she thought sarcastically. In the dining hall, the tables had once again been moved to the side along with all of the chairs and replaced with yoga mats. To her surprise, Phasma was setting up her CD player dressed in a tank top and leggings. 

"Rey, nice to see you. Pick out a mat and take off your shoes," Phasma said.

"Okay," then she rolled her eyes at Ben who had taken a seat on a table near her.

New age music that included bird song, rippling water, and occasional chimes began to play softly in the background. Once all the mats were taken, Phasma went to the front and motioned for everyone to stand up.

"First, we will begin by standing up as straight as we can, arms out to the sides. Then take a deep breath as we lift our arms up to the ceiling." 

For the next ten minutes, everyone followed Phasma through a series of motions and controlled breathing--in through the nose and out through the mouth. This was then followed by stretches and breathing while sitting on their mats. 

"Excellent job, everyone. You are all welcome to get a drink of water before we start our meditation time."

After hydrating, everyone sat back on their mats. Phasma opened a book and changed the background music to a very similar sounding CD. 

"Okay ladies, please lay down on your backs with your arms at your sides. Close your eyes and try to focus only on my voice and the words I'm saying. It's okay if you fall asleep. It's okay if your mind wanders, but try to stay with me."

Rey closed her eyes and listened as Phasma took her on a walk through the forest that came to a meadow with a waterfall that cascaded into a pool. It was like having a beautiful daydream. Once they were led to the pool, Phasma gently suggested that they could do anything they wanted, and then she was quiet. Rey imagined taking off most of her clothes and going into the pool to float on her back. It was peaceful, but her mind began to wander, and she felt something was missing. "Ben," she whispered, and in a flash, he was with her in the water. They were standing facing each other. She could see water dripping from his hair and running down his skin. He was solid as sunlight bounced off his pale skin. He was laughing as he reached for her. Then the music was turned off. 

"Okay, everyone can sit up now, and if you would like to talk about your journey, you are welcome to."

Slowly sitting up, Rey realized there were tears running down her face and quickly wiped them on her shirt sleeve. Phasma must have seen because then she said, "Meditation can be powerful. It can open us up to our subconscious thoughts and wishes. But sometimes, it's just a restful break. Either way, it's beneficial for releasing stress."

She could feel Ben staring at her. She slowly looked over at him, noting how the light passed through him, how his coloring was all washed out except for his eyes, his sad, deep, brown eyes. Giving him a small smile, she turned her attention back on the group. No one wanted to share, so they picked up the mats and returned the room to its previous condition. They had thirty minutes before structured free time began, so they were allowed to go to their rooms and rest if they wanted. 

Back at her room, the nurse propped her door to stay open. Rey went to lay down and used her blankets to give them some privacy as they whispered to each other.

"Why were you crying?" Ben asked.

"It's silly, really. I was following along with Phasma's story, and then I was alone. I missed you, and then you were there with me. You were wet and laughing. I felt overwhelmed, because you were so beautiful and happy," she said as she pretended to move her fingers over the side of his face.

"I love you," he said and then disappeared into a soft kiss on her lips. She sighed, eyes closed as she felt his hand gently holding her neck and jaw. 

"I love you too," she whispered to him.

When she opened her eyes, his expression had changed from adoration to fear.

"What?" she asked him.

"I have to tell you something, and I don't think you're going to like it."

"Okay, what is it?"

"I think I should go."

"What? Leave me to go where?"

"I don't want to leave you. I just hate that I can't do anything to help you. That I can't be a man for you. I'm thinking that I have to go to heaven and ask God for another chance, another life."

"What? That's insane. What makes you think God will let you go to heaven now? He has ignored you for sixty years, Ben."

"I can feel it, Rey. I can feel that it's waiting for me. I can't explain it. I just know it's true."

Rey stood up as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Okay let's say you go to heaven and God says no, you don't get another chance. Or, or what if he says okay, and he puts your soul into a baby girl in India? Or what if you get to heaven, and it's so fucking wonderful you forget all about me?" Rey said as her voice got gradually louder until she was shouting.

"Keep your voice down. I could never forget about you. I promise."

"You promised you wouldn't leave me! You promised! So how can I trust you will come back?"

"Because I love you! I want to be a real man for you! I want to share a real life with you!"

"Ben, if you really love me then you won't leave me!"

They were oblivious to the people standing in the hall watching Rey yell at the air. Three nurses ran into the room, two moved her to the bed and held her down, and the third one gave her a shot that put her to sleep in seconds. She didn't even hear Ben crying that he loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always darkest before the dawn. Thank you to everyone who is still reading. New tags will be added soon and the rating will change to explicit for the last chapter. Your comments make my day!   
>  ❤️❤️❤️


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note new tags!

Static chapter 16

Rey slept and slept and slept. It was a dreamless, motionless sleep that lasted for hours. The first time she opened her eyes, her head ached, and she closed them again. Her hand stretched across the bed, seeking but not finding her comfort. Letting out a silent whimper and curling into a ball on her side, she willed herself back to sleep. The next time she woke up, the nurse had a tray of food for her. She looked at it and then rolled to her other side, facing the wall and pretending she was asleep. Later, the doctor came in and woke her up, flashing a penlight in her eyes and taking her pulse. He said words to her, but she refused to take them in. She was too busy with her own thoughts.

Ben's gone. The only person who ever really knew and liked me anyway is gone. I wish I was gone. How do I make that happen? How do I follow him? Suicide. I can't. I'm Catholic, so I can't. Can I die from a broken heart? If I just lie here in this bed and not eat is that suicide? Does God truly abandon all of the people who kill themselves? That's not fair. Nothing is fair. What if he never comes back, and I live my whole life alone? What if he comes back as a girl? Would I still love them? Could I have a physical relationship with a woman? Maybe if there was some part that I recognized as him I could. Maybe his voice or words or some feature.

She tries to imagine a female version of Ben, the same look in his eyes when he looks at her, the same sense of humor and laugh, the soft way he kisses her, and all at once she knows she would love him no matter what he looked like. There was no doubt in her mind that she didn't care about race or sex or anything as long as she could recognize his spirit. 

But what are the odds that he will come back? Why would he leave heaven for her? Why would God send him back? Maybe if I pray for death, God will take me. It would be easier for everyone. Problem solved. Our father who art in heaven, holy be thy name…..

Rey mumbled the Our Father and then the rosary, counting the decades on her fingers. She prayed for hours until she fell asleep.

People came into her room and left again, but Rey was lost to her prayers and the circling questions in her mind. She didn't notice day turning into night or meal trays or people. None of it mattered. 

She did notice when two people picked her up and slid her onto a gurney, but she didn't respond to them when they talked to her. She didn't care that they strapped her down, or that she was moved to a strange room. The bright light overhead was harsh, but she just closed her eyes. She wasn't concerned until she heard Dr. Snoke say, "Open your mouth, Rey." 

Hang on. That's an unusual request. Should I be worried? Nope. I still don't care.

Someone opened her mouth for her and pushed in a rubber guard. Next, she felt something cold on her temples. Then the worst pain she had ever felt coursed through her entire body, every muscle jolted with spasms as she was forced into a seizure. The electric shock lasted only seconds, but her body kept twitching and spasming for several minutes afterwards. It left her exhausted and numb. She didn't feel herself being moved back to her bed. She couldn't feel anything. Staring up at the ceiling for what felt like hours, she finally noticed she felt cold. Then she slowly realized it was because she had wet the bed and had been laying in it for a while. She closed her eyes and slept. 

When she woke up, the linens and her gown had been changed. The numbness and pain in her limbs was gone, and she could move them again. She rolled onto her side so she could look around her room. 

Was he really gone? I don't remember saying goodbye. I should have told him I would wait for him. That I love him no matter what.

Closing her eyes, she laid there thinking about all the things she should have told him. The door opened, and she could hear a chair being placed next to the bed. 

"Hello, Rey. I'm Father Luke. One of the nurses heard you praying and thought you might like a visit from a priest."

She opened her eyes and reached out her hand to him.

"Are you Catholic?"

Rey nodded as fresh tears filled her eyes 

The priest squeezed her hand, smiled at her, and then let go, taking a leather packet from his pocket. He unzipped it, opened it up, and took out a vial of water. Marking the sign of the cross on her forehead he said, "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost," then he put the water away. 

"Would you like me to hear your confession? Or we could just talk if you like."

"Father, if I die of heartbreak is that a suicide?"

"Oh, Rey, you're too young to be so heartbroken. Tell me what happened."

"You might be the only person who could believe me. I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. I met a ghost. He became my best friend. We did everything together. He was so sweet and good, and I fell in love with him."

"Oh, that's quite a story."

"It's all true. He loves me too. He loves me so much that he decided to go to heaven and ask God for a second chance. To come back and be with me. That's why I'm heartbroken. He's gone, and I don't want to live without him, Father. Can God send him back? Do you think he will get another chance?"

"Oh, well, who can say what God can and can't do? Reincarnation isn't a part of Catholic dogma, but miracles are."

"Yes, that's what I need, Father. I need a miracle. If I pray all the time, do you think God will answer my prayers and give me a miracle?"

"God's always listening, but sometimes his answer is no. We all have to carry on in this life and do our best. You need to trust that God has a plan for you. Let me give you this," Father Luke said as he slid a rosary bracelet on her wrist. Then he took a prayer card from another pocket and put it in her hand. It was the card of saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

"Say this prayer as well as the rosary. The more people you have batting for you, the better."

The baseball reference brought a new tear, "Thank you, Father. I will pray everyday."

Together, they said the Our Father, and then he blessed her again, leaving with the chair. With her eyes closed, she began the rosary, laying on her side with her hands clutching the beads. Softly, she felt the hairs on her arms begin to lift as goosebumps formed. 

"Rey."

Her eyes snapped open to find that he was sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Ben, you're here! You didn't leave me. I'm so sorry about the things I said. I love you."

He leaned down and kissed her cheeks, her nose, her lips, "I love you too."

"Where have you been?"

"I've been here. I was just invisible, watching, making sure you didn't hurt yourself. I didn't want to leave until I was sure that you wouldn't try to follow me."

"Ben, I want to go with you."

"You can't, Rey. You need to stay here and go to college and find us a place to live."

"I'm so sorry. Please don't go. I'll do anything you want if you stay. Please, Ben. I love you so much. I don't think I can do this without you."

"You can, and you know how I know? It's because you have given me the strength I need to go. You are so much stronger than you know."

Ben pulled her blankets up around her, brushed her hair from her face, and then wiped away her tears. 

"Take all the baseball cards and the autographed baseball and sell them. I googled them, and they're worth thousands of dollars. Use that money for whatever you need. I will find you. I promise." he said and then looked behind him at the ceiling where a bright circle of warm, glowing light began to form.

"Ben, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll wait for you. I promise, just kiss me one last time." 

Ben leaned down and pressed his lips to hers with the most force he had ever been able to muster. She sobbed when he pulled away. He took a step back. His eyes shining, she could feel his love radiating out to her as he backed away slowly. 

"I promise that no matter what, I'll find you."

She watched as he went into the light, and then he was gone, the light fading. She was surprised to find that she was sad for herself but happy for him. He could now be with his family and God. He deserved it.


	17. Chapter 17

Static chapter 17

He was gone. Rey sat on the side of her bed, going over every word, every touch, every move he had made, trying to commit it to her memory forever. Her fingertips moved over her lips as she remembered how completely she felt his last kiss.

Hearing a commotion at her door, Rey turned her head to see the priest emphatically talking to one of the nurses through the window. Then the door opened.

"I need a few more minutes with her. I'll let you know when I'm done." The nurse gave a nod and walked away. Rey watched as he entered quickly and closed her door. Then he walked swiftly to her bed, sat down, and grabbed her by her shoulders with a frantic look on his face.

"I believe you. I saw him. I saw him go. I believe everything you told me," he said with his eyes glistening.

Rey let out the sob she had been holding in and let the priest pull her in for a hug.

"You poor girl. You've been through so much. I'm going to help you get out of here. I'll help you with everything. It's now my mission to help you, Rey."

"Thank you, Father," she whispered against his black jacket. The priest took her by the hands, looked her in the eyes, and said,"You need to do everything I tell you to, and we'll get you out of here. Now start at the beginning and tell me everything."

For the next hour, she recounted how she met Ben, how they got to know each other, her home life, her mom's issues, her plans for college, and her last conversation with Ben. Father Luke listened to every word, and when she was finished, he sat and stared at the spot in the ceiling where he saw Ben's spirit leave for heaven. 

"I need to go now. I have so much to think about, and I will come up with a plan. For now, you need to eat and participate. Be cooperative, but don't tell anyone what you've told me. They won't believe you, just as I didn't when you first told me," he said with shame on his face. "I'll come back tomorrow, and I'll visit you everyday until you're released."

"Thank you so much, Father."

"I owe you that. You trusted me and told me your secrets, and I didn't believe you. I'm going to make up for that," he said with a small smile. He blessed her again, called for the nurse, and then he left.

It felt so good to have one person who knew that she wasn't mentally ill. One person who knew everything and believed her. It made facing all of the next challenges that much easier. She managed to go through the motions of being a good patient and saved all of her thoughts and feelings about Ben for bedtime. When her door was finally closed at night, she would say her prayers, talk to him, and cry. 

Father Luke kept his word and visited everyday. They sat at the table in the visitors’ room to work on a plan. In a notebook, Father Luke made a list of what needed to be done:   
Get Rey discharged  
Graduate high school  
College admission  
Apartment  
Move out  
Job

Father Luke used his position to help sort out her graduation with the principal. Rey had missed two final exams and had several missing assignments. Her principal agreed to contact all her teachers to discuss what could be done to help her finish the school year. Knowing this freed Rey to put all her energy into her therapy. She focused most of her therapy on her feelings about her parents and her upbringing. The more she talked and thought about it, the more she realized that she needed this. The healthy coping strategies were helpful, and some of the group activities were actually fun. 

On her tenth day in the facility, her dad came for another visit. She no longer felt furious as she looked at him, because he looked tired, old, and sad. Rey could see that he was a victim of her mother's issues as well. That he was quite possibly doing the best he could. 

"Rey, how are you?"

"I'm okay, Dad."

Then he broke down and cried, "I'm so sorry you're here, Rey. You've always been such a good kid, an easy kid. I've never felt that I needed to worry about you. But you were right about me. I've been a bad father. I gave my job most of my time and energy and let your mother take the rest of it. I don't know you like I should, and I want to. I want to be a better dad."

Rey was a bit embarrassed to see her father so upset but was touched by his words. "It's okay, Dad. It's going to be alright. I'm feeling much better, and when I get out of here we can, you know, maybe get to know each other better."

Her dad grabbed a tissue, dabbed at his eyes, and smiled at her, “I'd like that."

She missed graduation, but her principal worked with her teachers to drop her missed assignments as long as she came to his office and took her finals after she was home again. Father Luke managed to get her a late acceptance to the small Catholic college near his church and created a job for her that was a combination of yardwork and housekeeping at his parish. After being locked up for three weeks, she was discharged to go home with medical advice to get a therapist and a prescription she didn't need. 

Being home was strange; everywhere she looked, she saw memories of Ben. Rey was surprised to see that the house was clean, and she even had a pile of cleaned clothes folded neatly on her bed, waiting for her. The lawn was overdue to be cut though. She would do it tomorrow, she thought as she put her clothes away. Then she slid her hand under her pillow and felt relief when her fingers found Ben's journal. She pulled her hand away, deciding to save looking at it for bedtime. Rey plugged in her dead cell phone and went downstairs. Her dad had taken a vacation day to bring her home from the hospital and was sitting in the kitchen reading the mail. He handed her a large white envelope from her new college.

"Excellent. Hey, Dad, look at this," she showed him the acceptance letter.

"I didn't know you applied here."

"I told you about Father Luke. Well, he helped me apply, and he found me a job, too."

"He did? Doing what?"

"It's a part-time job doing the landscaping and cleaning for his church, and the college is just a couple of blocks away from there."

Her mother came into the kitchen, "Rey, honey, you can't possibly still be thinking about running off to college."

Rey stood next to her dad, holding the letter and trying to remember how to effectively communicate in a difficult situation like she had learned in the hospital.

"She's going," her dad said as he turned to look at his wife. "Rey's a smart girl, and she's going to college. Father Luke will be watching out for her, and I don't want to hear anymore about it."

Rey smiled at him, "Thanks, Dad." 

"We'll see. Rey, have you taken your medication today?"

"Yes, I had it this morning," Rey lied.

After dinner, Rey went to her room and checked her phone. She had a text from Father Luke stating that he found her an apartment. She sent him back a thank you and a smiley face. Then she put on her pajamas and got into bed, finally allowing herself to take the journal out from its hiding place. She ran her fingers over the leather and smelled it. Memories again flooded her mind: the first time she saw him, teaching him about the internet, waking up in her bed tingly all over while her hair clung to her face and pillow because of the static. She looked at the bare skin of her arm--no goosebumps and no static. Rey decided not to open the journal that night but to save it as a special treat for her birthday in seven days. She turned off the light, said her prayers, and then imagined what her life could look like in a year. Thoughts of being a college student, coming home to her own apartment and her real, living boyfriend played in her mind until she drifted off to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Static chapter 18

Two days before Rey's eighteenth birthday, she drove to her high school and met with the principal. Sitting in his office, she took the final exams she had missed. Then she waited as he graded her exams and entered her grades of 91% and 94% into her records. He printed her a copy of her transcripts, reached into his desk drawer, and pulled out a padded folder. Next, he stood up and walked over to her with his hand extended out to her and congratulated her, presenting her with the diploma.

When she got home, she proudly displayed all her documents on the kitchen table. She took a photo of the display and sent it to Father Luke. Then she grabbed a couple of garbage bags and went to her room to go through all of her things. It was time for a great purge to get ready for moving out. With her earbuds on, she went through all of her clothes and happily hummed along to her music so she didn't hear her mother calling her. She jumped a little when she saw her standing in her doorway watching her.

"Sorry," she said as she pulled one earbud out.

"I just wanted to say congratulations. I saw your grades and your diploma," her mom said.

"Thank you."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going through all of my old clothes. I have stuff that doesn't fit me anymore and things I don't want that I can give away."

"Oh," her mother said as she cleared some items from the bed so she could sit down. She picked through some of the items and looked at them sadly. "Your birthday is in a couple of days, and your father and I have been trying to decide what to get you. I had suggested a new bedspread set, but your dad thought that you would enjoy a gift card so you could pick out whatever you like.”

"I really like my old quilt to be honest. A gift card would be great.”

"I was thinking you should invite some friends over for a little birthday party. We could get pizza and cake."

"You don't have to do that, Mom. I know you don't really like having people over."

"That's not true, Rey. I want you to have friends over. I'm always asking about your friends. I have always encouraged you to have friends."

Rey could see her mother was starting to wind up. "Okay, let's have a party. That would be great. I'll call some friends and let you know how many people are coming."

"Good," her mom said, and then she left Rey alone to finish her purge.

On the morning of her eighteenth birthday, Rey woke up with a feeling of satisfaction. She was finally an adult, and everything was checked off the list she had made with Father Luke. Since Rey was the first one up, she made a pot of coffee and enjoyed sitting quietly, looking out the window. Her mind wandered to thoughts of Ben as it usually did when she wasn't doing anything in particular. She wondered what he was doing right now. Was he with his mom and dad? Was he playing baseball with old friends? Was he looking down on her? Was he thinking about her? A hand landed on her shoulder and surprised her.

"Happy birthday, Rey," her dad said and then kissed her cheek. "I can't believe you're eighteen already. You're an adult now."

Rey smiled, poured two cups of coffee, and then sat at the table with her dad. They talked and sipped on their coffee for almost an hour before Rey noticed the effort her dad was making. He really did want to know her better, and it was the best birthday present he ever gave her.

That evening, much to her mother's surprise, Father Luke came for dinner as well as Rose and her boyfriend, Finn. They sat in the dining room and ate pizza while Father Luke told Rey's parents all about his church, the college, and Rey's apartment. After they sang happy birthday and ate the cake her mom had made. Fr. Luke left, but not before handing Rey an envelope and giving her a hug. Rey put the envelope in her pocket to read later and went back to her party to play a few games of Uno. The evening was more fun than she'd had in a long time, and the only thing that would have made it better was if Ben had been there too. Maybe next year, she thought. 

Later, after the party was over and she was alone in bed, she opened the envelope from Fr. Luke. It was a lovely birthday card, and inside there was a folded sheet of printed paper that listed all the rights of an adult. She smiled as she read it, and then she pulled out the journal from under her pillow and read until she fell asleep. 

Later that week, Rey received a text from Father Luke that her apartment would be available on the first of July. That would give her six weeks to adjust to her new job and make her apartment livable before classes started. She spent the next week packing and researching the value of baseball cards. The estimated prices varied widely depending on the rarity and condition of the card. Since she didn't really know much about baseball, she didn't bother to go through the cards, and instead asked Father Luke if he knew anything about their value. Rey wasn't surprised when he said he knew a man they could sell the cards to. 

Rey told her mother she had some shopping to do and drove to an antiques store to meet Fr. Luke. They walked in together, making a bell on the door jingle, and Rey put her wooden box on the counter. An old man came out from the backroom and started to chuckle when he saw Fr Luke.

"Well, well, it's been a long time, Luke. How the hell are you?" the man exclaimed, coming around the counter to embrace the priest.

"I'm good, Lando. How have you been doing?"

"Good. I'm good except for this trick knee I've got," he said tapping a cane to his right leg.

"Lando, this is my friend, Rey, and she has a few things that I think would interest you."

"Ah, lovely to meet you, Rey," the man said, taking her hand and kissing it. "Any friend of Father Luke's is a friend of mine. Why don't we go in the back and have a cup of coffee while we do business?" 

Rey followed the men to the back where there was a small kitchen. She set her box on the table and sat next to Father Luke as Lando poured them each a coffee. 

"So, what's in the box?" Lando inquired as he sat down. 

Rey opened it up and turned it towards him. He put his coffee down, went to a drawer, and pulled out a pair of soft white gloves. He came back to his seat and very gently picked up the baseball, turning it over in his hand to read all the names. 

"It's a nice old ball, but I don't recognize any of the players. See here? This is what you call the sweet spot. It's usually reserved for a team's best player. I don't know of any Ben Solo that played pro ball."

Rey giggled, "Oh, yeah, he wasn't a pro. I'm really here because of the cards."

Lando put the ball back and picked up a stack of cards. "Okay, know we're talking. These are, wow, in excellent condition." Then Lando was quiet as he began to lay several cards on the table in a row. Then he picked up the next stack, going through each one and slowly placing them in rows. 

"Where did you get these?"

"I bought them at an estate sale."

"Do you mind if I ask how much you paid?"

"Ten dollars."

Lando laughed, "Ten dollars! Girl, you won the lottery! These cards are worth thousands. They're all the best cards from 1950 to 1958. All except this one." Lando held up a card with the picture of a boy in uniform, posing with a bat and giving the camera a goofy grin. Rey took the card.

"Oh, that one isn't for sale," she said as she looked at the image of Ben at about fifteen years old. She handed it to Father Luke, watched him smile as he looked at it, and then handed it back to her. Lando grabbed a calculator and began adding up the value of each card.

"I'll give you 60 for the whole lot," Lando said with a grin.

Father Luke gave Lando a serious look, "Lando, I know you need to make a profit but the girl needs the money for college."

"Alright, 75. That's a very good offer."

"Well, the Mickey Mantle is worth 35, and these three are each about 20," Rey countered, pointing to the cards.

"Alright, college girl, I'll give you 85. That's the best I can do."

Rey held out her hand to shake on the deal, all smiles. On her way home, she stopped by the bank and gleefully deposited $85,000 into her account. She wished she could tell Ben. As she got closer to home she made a detour to the town cemetery. Once there, she parked her car and googled the cemetery on her phone to find his tombstone. It didn't take her long to walk through the well-kept grass and spot it. Rey sat down, facing his marble tombstone and ran her fingers over the letters of his name and the dates of his life. She thought maybe she would feel him there but she knew he was gone. She laid down on his grave, looked up to the sky, and talked to him anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

Static chapter 19

On July 1st, Rey loaded up her old, baby blue Honda Civic and drove off to her new life. Her mother had cried and told her that she was making a mistake. That she was naive and would be back in a few months. Rey did her best to deescalate the situation by assuring her that if that was the case, she would come back home. Rey knew that wasn't going to happen. Ben was counting on her to make a home for them, and she wouldn't let him down. 

After an hour and a half, she drove into her new town center. The main street, edged with maple trees, was a mix of old and newer buildings: the old town hall, fire station, and the church on one side and a large strip mall on the other. The mall had a large grocery store at one end, a Goodwill store at the other end, and a row of smaller shops in the middle, and it was set back from the road behind a large parking lot. To the right of the parking lot was a row of older shops that lined the street behind a sidewalk. There was a coffee shop, a bookstore, a jeweler, and an ice cream shop. Rey's apartment was above the coffee shop. She turned into the large parking lot and drove to the back of the cafe to her numbered, resident only parking spot. Locking her car, she walked around to the front of the shops and met Father Luke sitting on a park bench, sipping a coffee. The fronts of the row of older shops were quaintly decorated with large flower pots bursting with marigolds and benches, and at the end, the ice cream shop had a couple of small tables with chairs around them. 

Father Luke stood up, "Ah, glad you found it okay. The church is just across the street," he pointed to a stone building with a steeple.

"Yeah, it was easy."

He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and handed them to her. "One opens this door," he pointed to a door numbered 777 in-between the coffee shop and the bookstore. All three doors shared the same step up from the sidewalk, but hers had a paint-chipped mailbox fixed to its front.. Rey slid a key into the lock and opened her new front door. Inside, there was a full set of stairs that led to a small landing and a door to the left. She ran up the stairs and clicked the key into the lock. 

It opened up to an empty living room with a large window with yellowed plastic shades facing the street. To the right was a small kitchen with a door that led to a small deck and a set of stairs. Through the living room, there was a small hall that led to a bathroom, a bedroom, and a set of louver doors that hid a washer and dryer. The air in the apartment was stale, there was a fine layer of dust coating every surface, and the paint on the walls was dull and dirty. 

"Well, what do you think?"

"It's perfect," Rey said with a big smile.

Father Luke looked around, "Yeah, I think this could be really good. Needs some TLC, but you could make it really nice. You'll need some furniture. Do you need help moving your stuff in?"

"I don't have much to move, just my clothes and a few other things from my car. I can do it." 

"Alright then, I don't need to see you for a week. Meet me in my office at 9AM, I'll show you around, and we can discuss your responsibilities," Father Luke said as he headed towards the door. 

"Father, you didn't tell me about the rent."

"Ah, right," he said, pulling some folded papers from his pocket. "You need to sign these," he handed her the papers. It was a lease agreement form that had been augmented to state that the amount of the monthly rent was to be paid by Saint Mary's. 

"The church is paying my rent?" Rey asked.

"Yes, as part of your employment," he replied, sensing that she felt uncomfortable. "I asked around my parish for a place for you, and one of them had this apartment just sitting here, empty. I asked them if they would tithe it to the church for our use, and they agreed. It's a win-win for all of us."

"Okay," she conceded and signed the lease. 

After several trips up and down the stairs, all of her things were out of the car and in her apartment. Next, she walked to the grocery store and bought as much food and as many cleaning products as she could carry comfortably. Once everything was in her apartment, she went to the Goodwill and bought pans, utensils, dishes, bowls, cups, plates, flatware and a bunch of mismatched towels. Home again, she plugged in her phone, tapped on her playlist, and listened to music while she cleaned each room from top to bottom. All the shades were up and windows opened, allowing the warm summer breeze to dry the well scrubbed hardwood floors. Rey had taken years of grime off the windows and floors making the dirty flat walls even more noticeable. The last room she cleaned was the bathroom; the tile that she thought was beige turned out to be a pale yellow and it took her an hour to scrub every surface till it gleamed. Feeling sweaty, dirty and tired, she had a shower to revive herself. Wrapped in a towel, she walked to her bedroom, rummaged through a garbage bag to find something to wear, and got dressed, mindful of her windows. Next, she organized her room, putting her bags of clothes in the walk-in closet. Then she unrolled a yoga mat, put a sleeping bag on it, and topped it off with her quilt and pillow. She plugged her laptop in the outlet next to her makeshift bed on the floor. There were so many things she needed to buy; it was a bit overwhelming. Her stomach growled, forcing her to get up and go to the kitchen. She filled the sink with hot soapy water, washed the items she bought from Goodwill, and laid them out on a towel to dry. Rey opened the cupboard and the fridge to help her decide what to eat. The choices were hotdogs, mac and cheese, grilled cheese, peanut butter sandwich, milk and cereal, or a can of soup. She made herself a peanut butter sandwich and a coffee cup of milk and sat on the countertop to eat her first meal in her own place. Staying busy was the lifejacket she clung to in order to keep her loneliness at bay. She made lists in her phone of things she needed to buy and organized them into categories. Sitting on her bed, she searched for the best deals online. By the time the sun had set, she had purchased a new, king-size mattress set to be delivered in a few days. Her eyes were tired from online shopping as she shut her laptop and rolled into her back. Thoughts of touching herself crossed her mind, but she just couldn't do it. Without Ben whispering in her ear and surrounding her with his energy, it just wouldn't feel as good. One tear was all she allowed herself as she fell asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love's on it's way
> 
> Hope it won't take to long
> 
> Corrine Bailey Rae

Static chapter 20

A year is a long time to wait. A year filled with work, school, church, and activities of daily living that all combined to take up the moments of her days as she waited. A year of keeping her days busy and her nights lonely. A year was enough time to paint every wall in her apartment, take ten classes, go to 45 therapy sessions, return to her childhood home 12 times, meet her dad for lunch 24 times, attend mass 52 times, and cry herself to sleep more times than she cared to count. In the course of the year, she had joined study groups, the women's group at church, and had a few friends but was leary of letting anyone get too close. She told everyone who asked that she had a boyfriend who was in northern Canada on a church mission. It was the only way to avoid the dates her friends tried to set her up on. She even bought an extra large, navy blue Boston Red Socks hoodie, claiming it was Ben's if the subject ever came up. The day after her 19th birthday she woke up angry, tired of waiting. Hadn't she been good, prayed everyday, done as much as she could? Had he forgotten her? Would she waste her life waiting forever alone?

It was Sunday, so she forced herself into the shower, dressed in a white blouse and summery skirt, and went to mass. Following her weekly routine, she knelt before the shrine of the Holy Mother, dropped two quarters into the slot of the metal box and lit one of the white candles in a red glass votive. Usually she would pray the Hail Mary with her eyes closed to focus on the words, but this day she stared up to the statue and whispered a plea to the sweet face of Mary. To help her be patient, to not let her heart become full of anger. When she noticed other people entering the church, she collected herself and went to sit down in a pew. She pulled the kneeler down and knelt to say the Hail Mary and the Our Father as the church filled up with worshipers. Then Father Luke strode down the aisle. He was followed by altar boys and girls carrying candles and wafting incense meant to carry their prayers to heaven. Rey felt her mood lightening from the comfort of the music, the 11:00AM sunshine filtering through the tall stained-glass windows, the other people there just doing the best they could, and the voice of her friend, Father Luke, as he began with a blessing to the parish. 

By the time mass was finished, her anger was gone, and she had forgiven herself for all her dark thoughts. She waited for the church to empty and then went row by row adjusting kneelers, missals, and Psalm books. Then she went to the shrine of the Holy Mother and blew out all the candles. On her way out, she dipped the fingers of her right hand into the holy water and blessed herself in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost and then exited out into the sunshine of a lovely summer day. Her plan for the rest of the day was to run to the grocery store, bake muffins, do some reading for her summer class, and run a load of laundry. Crossing the street to her apartment, she saw a family eating ice cream cones, people strolling down the sidewalk ,and a man sitting on the bench in front of the coffee shop. Rey unlocked her door, ran up the stairs to her place, grabbed her cap and grocery bag, and ran back out to go to the store. Tapping on her cell, she looked up a recipe for blueberry muffins to check what ingredients she needed as she walked. On her walk back, she noticed that the people on the sidewalk had changed--all except one. Rey saw her friend Frankie from church organizing her four small children to sit at the outdoor table to eat their ice cream cones. She kept walking, trying to not make eye contact with him, afraid he was going to ask her for money. One step away from walking in front of him, he stood up and said, "Excuse me, miss, but I think you're wearing my cap."


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's POV

Static chapter 21

The bus ride from Indianapolis, Indiana, to Hartford, Connecticut, took 26 hours and 12 minutes. The new clothes the social worker helped him purchase were uncomfortable, and the pain and stiffness in his leg was killing him. It took an Uber 45 minutes to drive him from the city to the small college town that was his final destination. He had called Rey's mother and told her his name was Poe, and she had given him all the information he needed. The driver stopped in front of Saint Mary's Church and dropped him off at midnight. Slinging his duffle bag on his right shoulder, he took in his surroundings. Everything was closed except the grocery store. Ben walked across the empty main street, found a bench in front of a shop, and sat down. He was tired, dirty, and uncomfortable, but none of that mattered, because he felt an overwhelming pride in himself that he did it. He kept his promise. It had been a long journey to get to the bench in front of her apartment. Hours and hours of physical therapy and six months of hoping she would be happy to see him again. Turning to his side, he put his aching left leg straight across the bench, set his cane alongside it, and rested his head on his arm. The soft sound of crickets and a warm summer breeze lulled him to sleep.

The sound of keys jingling in a locked door woke him up. A man entered the shop, and Ben slowly put his leg down, straightened his posture and his clothes, and looked around. The sun was just beginning to rise, illuminating the town. The man in the shop flipped the sign on the door to show it was open. Ben went in, ordered a coffee and a breakfast sandwich, and then walked to the back to use the restroom. After using the toilet, he washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. He needed a shower, a shave, and fresh clothes. He washed his face, smoothed his mussed hair, pulled a flimsy hospital toothbrush and generic deodorant from his bag, and used them. This is the best I can do for now, he thought. Then, he went to the front counter to pay for his breakfast.

"Rough night?" the man said with a grin.

"Yes sir, you could say that. I've been traveling for a while."

"You need a place to stay? There's a YMCA down the road that has beds."

"Thank you, but I'm meeting someone today," Ben smiled.

"Ah, it's a girl, right?" the man asked with a wink.

"Yes. A girl," he replied with a blush. "Thank you," he said as he left the shop to sit on the bench again.

Ben sipped his coffee and ate his sandwich, watching the town become more alive as time moved forward. Ben walked to the grocery store to purchase a pack of peppermint gum. When he exited the grocery store, he spotted Rey's car at the other end of the parking lot. Butterflies filled his stomach. He put a stick of gum in his mouth and began to chew nervously. Just a few more hours, he thought. He knew she liked the high mass that always began at 11AM, because it had the most music. He walked back to the bench and angled his body so he could watch the front of the church. He pulled an old paperback copy of Stephan King's The Stand from his bag and tried to read it so he didn't look like a creep. After the church bells rang to announce it was 9:00AM, Ben bought another coffee and returned to his lookout. The first service was over at 10:00AM, and he watched as people left. The coffee made him feel jittery; he bounced his good leg and chewed another piece of gum, hoping to make his breath smell better. 

What if she doesn't believe it's me? What if she didn't wait for me? She could have a boyfriend. Maybe it's just been too long, and she doesn't love me anymore. What if she's angry at me for leaving and for taking too long to get back to her? What if this body disgusts her? There were so many ways this could go badly with only one good way forward. A year was a long time to wait.

Ben was staring at the church, trying to control his downward spiral, when a door opened behind him, and a girl walked past him towards the church. His girl. He only saw her from the back, but he knew it was her; her peppy walk, her hair but longer, her tan arms that swung back and forth as she walked quickly across the street. Ben swallowed his gum. He put his book away, straightened his clothes, ran his hand through his hair, and took a deep breath. He couldn't sit still anymore, so he began to pace back and forth on the sidewalk. He looked in the windows of the shops. He counted the cracks in the sidewalk. He picked three pieces of litter from the ground and threw them away. When the church bells rang to announce that it was noon, he stopped and sat back down to watch people exit the church. She was the last person to leave. Ben watched her jog across the street right to her door. She unlocked it and disappeared inside before he could form a word. He sat there mentally kicking himself for being such an idiot and was so lost in his own head that he almost missed her coming out the door and walking down the sidewalk. She was carrying a shopping bag and wearing his baseball cap, heading to the grocery store. It was the sign he needed. All of his jittery, spiraling, negative thoughts fell away. That was his girl, and when she came back, he was going to talk to her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rating has changed and new tags have been added.

Static chapter 22

"Excuse me, miss, but I think you're wearing my cap."

The words seep into her brain, and she tries to make sense of them. Rey looks at him, her eyes roaming over the features of his face: long nose, plush lips, black facial hair against pale skin dotted with moles. Her eyes wander to his long black hair falling just a bit onto his broad shoulders, over his wide chest, down his long legs, and she notices he is holding a cane in his left hand, his large hand gripping it tightly. Her eyes return to his deep warm brown eyes. He leans towards her just an inch, eyes searching hers for recognition, and he nods his head just a fraction to encourage her. 

"Ben?" she whispers.

He nods again, waiting. Waiting to see her reaction. Wanting so much but waiting for her to move first. Rey forgets her groceries and drops the bag to close the distance between them. She throws her arms around his middle, hugging him close her cheek pressed against his chest and sobbing, "Ben. I missed you so much."

Chuckling at her enthusiasm, his right arm moves to embrace her as his cheek rests on top of her head, "Rey, I missed you too." Ben was not paying any attention to anything around him until he saw the man who had served him coffee, smiling at him through the shop window. He closes his eyes and holds her tighter, "Is there somewhere we could go that's a bit more private?"

Rey pulls away with a wide grin and nods,"Come with me," she says, picking up her shopping bag and turning towards the door. Looking down the sidewalk, she notices her friend, Frankie, beaming at her and giving her a thumbs up. Rey blushes and pulls her keys from her pocket to unlock her door. 

Holding the door open for him, she notices his hair falls into his face as he carefully watches where he's going. He looks up at the flight of stairs and straightens his posture in determination. Holding the railing with his right hand, he climbs the stairs slowly, one step at time instead of foot over foot. Rey matches his pace one step above him. 

Rey is so full of thoughts that words just start tumbling out, in long run on sentences. "I work part-time at the church, cleaning and helping out where ever they need me. It's great because I have very flexible hours so it's very convenient with my class schedule. I took 10 classes this year which was a lot but I learned a lot and I really enjoyed it. I'm taking one summer class right now, kiddy lit. I'm not sure exactly what I want my degree to end up being but right now I'm leaning towards early childhood education but that could change." She stops to take a breath at the top of the stairs, out of breath from rambling.

She opens the next door and holds it open for him. He looks around, but his eyes stay mostly on Rey--her beautiful face, her gorgeous body. She seems happy, excited, and nervous. She puts her bag of groceries onto the small, round kitchen table and holds out her arm. "This is the kitchen, and that's the living room," she gestures. Ben looks at each room, "It's nice. Looks very homey."

Rey smiles, wringing her hands. She glances towards the new couch, the plants on the window sill, the old, used coffee table, the throw she crocheted over the winter, and her paintings on the wall behind the couch. She looks back at him to see his eyes are intensely focused on hers. 

Stepping towards him, she says, "Let me take your bag." She grips the handles on the duffle and then puts it on the floor. There's so much he wants to tell her. So many details and moments he wants to share with her, but her nervousness makes him uneasy.

Trying to mask his feelings, he says, "Rey, I know I've been gone a long time," his eyes travel to his feet. "I'm not the same boy you knew. I'm in this new body, and it's a lot of change. I want you to know that I...I completely understand if your feelings for me have changed too."

Rey's mind races. He is giving her an out. Why? Does he not love her anymore?

"Do you still love me?" she blurts out.

"Yes," he said quickly. His eyes softened, "Yes, always yes."

Rey steps up to him, only inches away from his body. "Ben, when you left me," she winces, "you were this tall, gangly, adorable boy that I loved”, Her hand touches his cheek. "And now, you're the tall, big, handsome man that I love," she says, watching the emotions change on his face: fear, relief, happiness, love. She puts her other hand on his shoulder and reaches up on her toes to push her lips to his. Dropping his cane, he wraps both his arms around her, one curling around the small of her back and the other holding the nape of her neck. Their noses smush against each other's cheeks, eyes closed, arms clinging tightly to each other, lost in each other until Ben sways, losing his balance for a second.

Rey's hands grab his waist to steady him, "Are you okay?" 

His smile is full of teeth and dimples, "Yes, but I should probably sit before I fall down."

"You're injured?" she asks, bending down to pick up his cane and hand it to him. She takes his other hand and leads him to the couch.

"I was. I'll tell you everything," he says, as he sits down and puts his cane on the right arm rest. "But, could I have another kiss first, please?" he says softly, looking at her lips. Rey shifts her position to turn towards him, places her hands on his chest, and leans into him. This kiss is different. It's a soft series of gentle touches: breathy, lingering, tender. She doesn't want it to end and neither does he, but he has so much to tell her. 

His mind flicks through all his memories to the beginning of his journey without her. Taking her hand in his, he begins.

"It's difficult to describe what I saw in heaven. It's like there aren't the right words, because it's so much more than we can perceive with our five senses. Some of what I tell you will be lost in translation, but I'm going to try my best to explain it to you. When I felt it opening to me--pulling me--I realized it was always there waiting for me, but I had been too stubborn to see it. I hadn't felt worthy. You gave me strength, though. You made me feel worthy," he said squeezing her hand.

"When I first got there, it was like a big backyard party. Everyone I knew was there: my parents, grandparents, uncles, friends, and people I didn't know personally but who were related to me somehow. So many people, all happy to see me. No bad thing I had ever said or done mattered; all was forgiven and forgotten. No one had to tell me this. I felt it. It's like all of our mistakes help us learn and grow, and that makes them okay. I visited with them for a while, shaking hands, hugging, laughing, just enjoying their company but something was missing," he pauses to kiss her hand. 

"You. I didn't want to stay, and I asked some of my family how to leave. My dad put his arm around my shoulders and walked me away from the party until we reached a path. He hugged me and said he would see again another time. I left the party and started down the path. It was a worn path through grass that winded and changed over time from short, lawn grass to long, prairie grass. I kept walking for what felt like hours, the scenery all around me was beautiful and changed subtly as I walked on. Everytime I lifted my eyes from the path, the scenery changed. I saw hills, mountains, lakes, rivers, waterfalls, forests, beaches, and oceans. I saw seasons change as I walked, each one beautiful in it's own way. I could feel that everything was alive--trees, plants, water, rocks, even the dirt on the path was vibrating with life. I walked for what felt like days until I started to feel tired. I felt like God had forgotten me again and left me to aimlessly look for him. I finally sat down and rested my back against a large rock as the sun was setting. I don't know how long I sat there until I realized someone was sitting next to me. I looked at them, trying to figure out who they were. At first, I thought it was a man, then I thought it was a woman, but then I realized they were neither or maybe both," Ben shook his head with a smile on his face as he tried to explain.

"You see, they kept changing. All of their features changed little by little as I looked at them, skin color, eye shape, nose length, everything, even features I have no name for. This person was everything all at once," Ben says, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "It was God sitting next to me. God had been there the whole time. If I had sat down at the beginning of the path, they would have been there sitting next to me. God was waiting for me. They looked at me and said, "You look tired, Ben." And I was. I was so tired, and I finally had all the answers to every question I had ever had. That's what being with God feels like. That, and complete love. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of the answers, except that this is the only thing that matters," he says as he again brings her hand to his lips.

He goes back to his story. "So there I was, in the presence of God, tired and missing you. I laid my head on God's shoulder and closed my eyes for just a moment. When I opened them again, I was in a hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana, connected to machines and so weak I could barely lift my head up."

Rey keeps his hand in both of hers on her knee and bends down to kiss it. "Were you in a lot of pain?" she asks.

"No, this body had been hit by a car and had been in a coma for a few months. Most of the injuries had healed before I woke up."

"When did you wake up?"

"January."

Rey gasps, "That's six months ago!"

"I know that seems like a long time, but you have to understand that I didn't want you to see me like that. I had a feeding tube," he says as he lifts his shirt to show her the round scar on his abdomen. "I also had a catheter, and I was so weak that I couldn't have called you on the phone without help."

Tears run tracks down her face as she thinks about all her lonely nights. She would have been happy to have sat by his bedside, to have helped him in any way he needed. Ben takes her face in his hands, and, wiping her tears, he says, "Rey, I came as fast as I could. I worked so hard to get my strength back. I had to learn how to do everything again: eating, sitting, walking. I have to show you something," he releases her face and sits back on the couch. Then he leans forward and pulls the left pant leg of his jeans up to his knee, exposing his prosthetic. His fingers pull on a loop on the external side of the molded plastic calf, and it releases from his leg. He lifts his thigh up from the couch to pull his leg out of the prosthetic. He places the man-made leg to the side. Without looking at Rey, he then rolls a silicone sock off the stump of his leg and puts it over with his prosthetic. He is afraid to look at her reaction, so he keeps his eyes on his leg, stretching it out straight so she could see all of it. 

Rey's hand reaches out to stroke his leg from his knee to the end of his stump. "Does it hurt?" she whispered.

"No, not anymore. It feels really good to take the prosthetic off though. I've had it on since I left the hospital, which was two days ago, and I'm supposed to take it off after about 6 hours," he says quietly, his voice thick with emotion.

"Ben, you went through so much to be with me," she says, leaning forward to put soft kisses on his amputated leg, her fingers touching his healed scar. 

Ben can't speak, trying not to cry but failing. In his mind, this was his last hurdle, the only thing keeping him from having the life he wanted with Rey. Rey looks at his face and can see all of the emotion there. She gently climbs onto his lap facing him, her hands taking his face. 

"You thought I might not love you because of your leg?"

Ben takes in a staggered breath and then nods.

"I loved you when you had no body at all. This is a huge improvement," she says, as her hands run over his broad shoulders, down to the swell of his big biceps and kisses his nose, forehead, cheeks, and then his lips. The first kiss to his lips is sweet and soft, but each new kiss becomes more heated. Lips moving together, learning, reaching, wanting more, opening to each other to give way to tongues caressing. Feeling his breath, the warmth of his body, his hair on her cheek, his hand on her back holding her, everything about him feels so good, making her want more. Still kissing him, she leans her body back to make room for her hands and begins to unbutton her blouse.

Ben covers his hands with hers to stop her. "Rey, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything or to do anything because you feel sorry for me," he says with a shaky whisper.

Rey's hands drop to her lap with her gaze. "I don't feel sorry for you! I have empathy but not pity. I have waited for you for so long." Her next words come out softer. "I have remained chaste for you even from myself," she said, as her blush spreads from her cheeks to her neck and chest.

Ben lets go of her hands and lifts her chin up to make eye contact. With his hand trembling, he strokes her cheek, his fingers reaching into her hair. Then he pulls her into a kiss so passionate that she moans into his mouth. His other hand finds the buttons of her blouse and begins to open them. One hand holds her head, while the other gently touches her naked side, moving over her ribs and up to her breast. Rey pulls her shirt off and drops it to the floor. Her hands reach behind her to unfasten the clasp of her bra. Lips never completely separating, Ben's hand slowly finds the straps of her bra and pulls them down her arms. Rey grabs the ends of his t-shirt and lifts it away as he raises his arms up to help her. She can see his scars from the accident all over his chest and wants to kiss every inch. Before she can, Ben pulls her to him, belly to belly, chest to chest, while kissing her shoulder, her neck, her cheek. "I love you," he pants into her flesh. Being skin-to-skin feels so good, but it still isn't enough. She wants more, needs more, more skin, she wants her cells to absorb his. She grinds her pelvis against Ben, and he moans into her neck.

"You're going to make me explode in my pants," he groans, remembering that feeling of not being able to hold himself together.

"I feel it too," she pants and then rolls her hips into his again. 

Ben grabs her hips to keep them still, "I want to marry you."

Rey smiles at him, "I want to marry you too." 

"We could go to Las Vegas right now and get married."

"I want my friend, Father Luke, to marry us. He knows about us--he saw you go to heaven--and he's helped me so much. I think he would be upset if he didn't perform the ceremony.”

"How long will that take?"

"Three, maybe four weeks. The church has a process," Rey says leaning in to kiss his neck.

"Okay, I can wait if that's what you want."

Rey stiffens in his arms and pulls back to look him in the eyes. "I'm done waiting, Ben. God gave me a miracle. He sent you back to me. Your mine now, and I want all of you." 

He can see in her face that she means every word she says. His time with God flashes in his memory. She’s right. Nothing really matters but their love. Ben's hands slide under her skirt and slowly travel up her thighs to her hips, and he pulls her closer, pushing his pelvis to hers. Their lips find each other's again, and he murmurs, "I want to give you everything."


	23. Chapter 23

Static chapter 23

"I want to give you everything."

His words send a jolt to her clit so strong it makes her pull away. They stare at each other for a second. His eyes are half open, lips red and puffy, skin flushed. Rey takes all his features in and asks, "How old are you? I mean, this body."

"27. Is that too old?"

"No," she says as she cards her fingers through his hair. "I was just wondering if this body had a previous girlfriend."

"I can say with about 99% certainty that the answer is no," Ben replies, smirking at her.

"Oh?"

He nods, "Only one person visited me while I was in the hospital. She's a caregiver at the group home that this body used to live in. The poor soul who had this body before me was severely, mentally disabled, and after his mother died, he had to live there."

"Oh. Do you have his memories?"

"No, I just know what I was told about him. He was non-verbal and loved watching cars and trucks drive by the facility. Charlotte, the caregiver, said that he used to stand in front of the big front window and watch the traffic for hours while he rocked back and forth, and if he saw a big truck, he would get excited and clap his hands. She said that he got out of the house when no one was looking and wandered a mile down the road. He must have seen a truck, wasn't mindful of the traffic, and got hit by a car. It wasn't her shift, but she had felt badly."

"I can imagine. That's horrible, but he's in heaven now, right?"

Ben nods, "Yeah, I'm sure of it."

"Was she shocked when you spoke with her?"

"She was. She had brought me clothes and a bunch of matchbox cars that I, of course, didn't recognize. We talked for a little while, and then she said, 'You're not him, are you?' I was afraid to tell her the truth, but she seemed so kind that I just shook my head no," Ben says, smiling at the memory. "She warned me that doctors might not understand and think that the trauma of the accident cured my previous disability, and she was right. There was a neurologist who kept wanting to do more tests, but luckily the physical therapist supported my discharge. I almost left against medical advice, but I got discharged the next day. I couldn't wait another day to find you."

"I'm glad you didn't. Yesterday was a low day for me. I was angry from missing you," she says as her thumb strokes his bottom lip. Ben pulls her closer and kisses her harder than before. Rey wants to be as close to him as she can but her skirt is in the way. She tries to pull it out from around her thigh with a huff in frustration. Chuckling, Ben lifts her up by her waist. She comes up on her knees to straighten it, putting her breasts in front of his face. His eyes take her in, his expression of mirth melting, and then his plush lips start a trail of kisses from her sternum to her breast and his hands hold her steady on her hips. Rey watches his lips and tongue explore, and she can feel his stubble brush the sensitive underside of her breast. 

"Dreamed of this," he mumbles into her skin. "Imagined how you would feel," he says as his lips travel up to her neck as she lowers herself back onto his lap. Now that her skirt is out of the way she can feel his erection, warm across the length of her crotch and curving against the top of her left thigh though the thin layer of her cotton underwear. She feels his face wince against her neck when she grinds down on him.

"Ow," he says, causing Rey to lift herself away from him a few inches.

"Did I hurt you?" she asks as she feels his hands rummaging around under her skirt.

"No, it's not you. It's these new jeans. I'm, um, caught in the crease of the pant leg," his hands return to gently stroking her thighs.

The idea that she was causing him discomfort in any way iss disturbing. After all the times he had made her feel so good and after all that he had been through, he deserves pleasure that is completely devoid of pain. Rey stands up between his legs, unzips the back of her skirt, and lets it fall to the floor. Then she leans over to unbutton and unzip his jeans, carefully grabbing the waist to pull them down past his knees. Slowly she climbs back onto his lap, hands moving over his chest. 

"Is this better?" she whispers over his lips. Ben swallows, his adam's apple bobs in his throat.

"Rey," he whispers like a prayer and then pulls her in for a kiss. His large hands are moving all over her back, sides, and breasts. Rey's clit feels like it's engorged ten times its normal size after so many months of neglect. This time when she presses her pelvis to his, she can feel the hot shaft and the swollen corona of his cock head as it runs over her clit. They both make breathy noises into each other's mouths. Ben's hands travel down her back to firmly hold a cheek in each hand. Rey's grinding finds a rhythm, Ben moves to the edge of the couch so he can lean back a bit. His hands squeeze her buttocks and begin to help her to hump him. Rey can feel her climax building, every stroke up and down his cock sending little waves of pleasure. Their kisses are sloppy and breathy as they pant. Ben mouths down her neck and curls his pelvis towards her, pushing his cock harder against her clit. She's so close, just a little more. Ben's hands squeeze her tighter, his hips move faster and out of rhythm, his face pressed to her neck and shoulder. Then she feels his body tremble, his cock throb, a soft grunt escape his mouth, and a wetness on her belly. His hands relax their grip and move to her waist while his head remains buried in her neck.

"I'm sorry. I thought I had more time," he whispers.

"You do. You have a lifetime," she says kissing his cheek and brushing his hair back with her fingers. He turns his face to her, lips kissing her with a grin. He turns his whole body, lowers her to the couch, leans over to take off his sneaker, and pulls his pants off. He then lays down next to her with his back against the back of the couch. Rey reaches behind him to grab the throw blanket and puts it over them. 

"Would you like to see how much I remember about that anatomy lesson I had on your laptop?" he says, kissing her clavicle softly, his hand on her abdomen. 

"Yes, please," she whispers, her clit throbbing for attention. Ben's hand slowly moves down over her underwear until it rests for a moment holding all her most sensitive parts in his palm and fingers, and his thumb strokes the inside of her thigh. Rey bends her knee and turns her leg out to give his hand more space. His lips are on her breast, just millimeters from her nipple, when he gently begins to rub his fingers up and down the damp cotton. When his fingertips move over her clit her breath comes out staggered and heavy. Ben repeats the motion and her pelvis bucks up to his hand. His lips clamp around her nipple to suck and play while his fingers focus on rubbing her bud. It's so close to perfect. She's so close.

"Circles," she whispers. Ben's fingers comply instantly, rubbing around and around. Rey's hands grip him tightly, one across the top of his back and the other holding his head to her chest. "Ben," she softly moans,"Don't stop."

He quickens the pace of his fingers, sucks her nipple harder, and feels her hips come off of the couch with a moan as she quakes under him. 

Ben slides his arms around her and holds her to his chest as she catches her breath. Within seconds, he's asleep. Carefully, she gets out from his hold and off the couch. She tucks him in and gets dressed. Her plan now is to make him a welcome home dinner, but first she needs to put away the groceries she forgot all about. Standing at the fridge, trying to decide what to make for dinner, she hears him behind her. He's standing next to the table dressed only in his boxers and his prosthetic leg with his hair a mess and dark circles under his eyes. 

"Whatcha doing?" he asks.

"Trying to figure out what to make for dinner. You look tired. You should rest," she says walking up to him and placing a kiss on his chest. His hands wrap around her.

"I'd love to have a shower and then maybe have a nap, but only if you'll join me," he blushes and adds, "For the nap."

Smiling, she takes his hand, leads him to the bathroom, gets towels from the closet, and slides open the glass door of the shower.

"Can you shower with your leg on?" 

"I'm not supposed to. In the hospital I had a shower with a chair but this will be fine. I'll just sit on the floor of the tub."

"I have a few things for you," she says moving to the sink counter to show him a new toothbrush still in the package, razors, shaving cream, deodorant, and cologne. He looks at everything with glossy eyes, picks up the tooth brush, opens it, and brushes his teeth. Rey crosses the hall to the bedroom and comes back with clothes.

"I bought you a few things. I'm not sure if they'll fit you. I just hated to see your side of the dresser empty," she says, putting the clothes on the counter.

Ben rinses his mouth in the sink, "Thank you."

"If the sweatpants are not long enough, I can cut them to make them shorts for you."

"Thank you."

"Do you need help?"

"No. I'll be fine," he says, smiling.

"Okay, then. Just holler if you need something," she says, leaving the bathroom and closing the door. She goes to the bedroom and adjusts the curtains that hang over white shears to reduce the light but still allow some breeze into the room. She had removed the dingy, yellowed, plastic shades long ago. Next, she changed out of her church clothes and into a worn t-shirt and old, cut-off jean shorts. Then she sat on the bed and waited for him, listening to the sound of the shower. 

Her mind is busy thinking about how amazing her life will be now, like it's finally begun. She needs to decide what to tell her father when he comes for lunch on Wednesday for their regular meet up. Maybe it would be best to tell him the whole story. How else could she explain having a sudden, live-in fiance? She planned on introducing Ben to Father Luke on Monday; maybe he could help her tell her dad the truth. Knowing that her mom would never understand, she decided not to worry about telling her. Rey no longer cared what her mother thought about her. 

Ben exited the bathroom with damp hair, wearing the sweatpants and t-shirt she had bought him, looking gorgeous and clean. Rey couldn't help but watch him as he walked to the bed and sat down. 

"Feel better?" she asks, stretching out on her side of the bed.

"Mmm," he says, taking off his prosthetic and then laying down next to her. "I like this bed. It's very comfortable and big."

"It was too big before you got here, but it's perfect now," she says, moving to cuddle into his side. 

"The whole apartment is perfect. You did such a good job finding us a home. Tell me everything you did since I last saw you," he says, closing his eyes with one arm wrapped around her and the other hand lightly stroking her arm that lay on his chest. Rey talks for thirty minutes, recounting the last year of her life before he falls asleep. She isn't really tired but feels so comfortable and content that she drifts off soon after.

When she wakes up, Ben is still sleeping. She props her head on her hand and examines his face, falling in love with all of the small details she finds. Her eyes slowly move down his body, enjoying his masculine shape and size. A smile grows on her lips when she spies that his pants are tented. She watches absolutely enthralled as the tent gets taller. Looking back up at his face, he is still sleeping like a baby. Gently, she lays her head back down onto his shoulder and slides her arm around him to hold him. As he wakes up, his arms tighten their hold on her, and then he rolls onto his side to face her. He looks at her, blinking back sleep from his eyes to see her clearly. His eyes flit from hers to her lips.

"I feel like I'm dreaming," he whispers hoarsely.

Rey smiles and places her hand on the side of his face. "I like your face. It's you but more," she giggles and then tries to explain. "When you were a ghost, your features were softly fuzzy at the edges, and now they're strong and very masculine," she says as she runs a finger down his nose and across his lips. Ben's cheeks redden, and he flashes her a big smile.

"Your hair is longer. It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

Rey leans in and kisses him once and then leans back. "I should go start our dinner."

His grip tightens, "No. Please just stay here with me. Can't we just order a pizza or something?"

"I was going to make you something nice as a welcome home meal, but pizza is fine. If that's what you want."

"It is. I just don't want to get up yet. I don't want this to end," he says as his hand strokes her side under her t-shirt. "I just want to lay here and look at you."

Rey closes the space between them to pull him in for a kiss that is lingering, her fingers running through his hair, and she hitches her leg onto his hip. His lips are eagerly returning every kiss and his hand moves up her back under her shirt to hold her tightly. 

He murmurs, "It's weird that no matter how tightly I hold you, it's not close enough."

"Mmm," she says between kisses. "Maybe it's because you want to be inside me."

His lips travel across her cheek to below her ear and down her neck as he remembers that she always knew more about sex than he did, and that she has needs. "Is that what you want?" he asks into her neck.

"Yes."

His arms release her, hands find her shorts, fingers work to unbutton and unzip, while she pulls off her t-shirt and lays back to lift up her hips so he can slide her shorts off. When he had touched her on the couch, they had been under a blanket, and he hadn't been able to see what he was doing. Now he wanted to see everything as his hand traveled from her knee up her thigh. 

"You're so beautiful. I had no idea you would feel this soft."

Rey sits up and begins to lift up his t-shirt. He reaches behind his back and pulls it off. Then she pulls on the tie to his sweatpants. Rey lays back down and slowly removes her panties as he watches her every move. She holds her arms out to him, an invitation to take her. Ben lays down, bracing his forearms on either side of her head to kiss her while Rey runs her hands up and down his strong back. Finding his waistband, she tries to slide his pants down, but it's difficult because of size and the way he's laying against her side. He rolls onto his back and takes off his pants, throwing them to the floor, and it's Rey's turn to watch. Lifting up to lean back on one arm she sees him naked for the first time. With her free hand, she touches his thigh, short black hairs over big muscles that lead to longer wiry hairs between his legs, where his cock jets out to lay on his abdomen. It's not like the diagrams she studied in health class, the colors hadn't been this vivid. His scrotum is brownish under black hair, his shaft started a tan skin color that grew redder going up to the head that was a purplish red. In fascination she touches his shaft, noticing the veins, the temperature and texture of his skin. Her hand grasps around him, amazed by the girth and weight of his cock.

"It's bigger than I thought," she says looking up at his face as her hand slowly strokes up. Ben grabs the quilt with both hands, letting out a shaky breath.

"Oh...um, are you afraid? I don't want to hurt you."

"No, I'm not afraid," she says, stroking down to his base. "The first time usually is painful for a woman."

"I don't want that for you," he says, putting a hand around her wrist to pull her hand away from his cock. He pulls her down to him and rolls her onto her back kissing her lips. "I want it to feel good for you. I want you to feel how much I love you." His hand traverses down her waist, over her hip, and to her pussy, fingers gently caressing through tender layers to find her opening. The tips of his fingers massage around her hole and then move up to her clit. He kisses her with his eyes open watching her every reaction. She spreads her legs wider and makes soft noises into his mouth that encourage him to keep going. He slides his fingers down to her opening and pushes his middle finger into her slowly and stretches his large hand so his thumb can circle her clit. Rey moans and pushes into his hand. Seeing her response, his lips move down her neck to her breast to kiss and suck her gently. Then he begins to slide his finger out and in, feeling her squeeze around him. When he notices her relaxing around his finger, he eases a second one into her, determined to stretch her out so she can take his cock without hurting her. She's making gasping sounds and writhing against him when he pulls his lips off of her nipple to look at her face all flushed and slightly sweaty. 

"Ben" she whispers, grasping onto him, and pushing into his hand. "Feels so good. I'm gonna come," she pants.

He works his fingers deeper into her and rubs her clit harder, causing her to lift her pelvis up. With shaking legs and a loud moan as she comes, eyes closed tightly and her mouth open. He feels her quivering and pulsing around his fingers, hot and wet. He can't wait to push his cock inside her, but he doesn’t, enjoying the sounds and sight of her as she comes down from her orgasm. He slowly removes his fingers from her. Rey takes a couple of deep breaths, opens her eyes and pulls him on top of her. She knows she's ready. Ben puts his weight in his knees and forearms while he looks down on her face making sure she doesn't want him to stop. Her hand moves down his chest to his cock,and she brings him to her waiting, empty place. His eyes never leave hers as he slowly pushes into her inch by inch. Halfway in, his arms are trembling, and he closes his eyes, focusing on not coming. Breathing out slowly, he opens his eyes and pushes in another inch. Rey moves her hands down his back and wraps her legs around the backs of his thighs. Ben pulls his cock out a few inches and then sinks back in with just a few more inches to go until he's all the way inside her. Rey's hands travel down to grab his butt, her legs squeeze, and her pelvis pushes up to pull him all the way in. His arms are shaking as he rests his forehead on hers, his breath panting on her face.

"Don't move. Please," he pants. 

She can feel him so deep inside her, hard and throbbing, holding back his release. She waits for his body to calm. When it does she brings a hand to his face, resting it on his cheek, pushes his hair back, and pulls his lips to hers to kiss him. 

"I love you," she says into his lips. "You're not hurting me at all. You feel good, Ben."

"I love you too... so much," he says as he buries his face in neck and shoulder as his hips pull away from her and then move back. Slowly, he moves his cock in and out a few times before increasing his pace and groaning into her pillow. "You feel so good. I want this to last longer, but I can't," he says moaning. 

"We can do it again later, as many times as you want," Rey says.

He pushes in as deep as he can and rocks as he comes, his body trembling, chest heaving, breath panting. His eyes open to see Rey smiling up at him, limbs wrapped around him, and he's never seen anything on earth or in heaven that was better. He's filled with such gratitude that it escapes out of him through his eyes. He leans down and puts kisses and tears all over her face as she laughs with joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all the comments!   
> Take care and wear a mask!!!!  
> ❤️❤️❤️


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